Thursday, 28 June 2007


The advent of children into the marital harmony is a tough one. A natural progression and a blessing yes, but also a source of constant bickering over their upbringing. And of course the whole being too tired for sex thing. Unfortunately, neither of us had parents who were in a position to do much babysitting and our second was one of those sleepless children who required constant company all through the night in order to close his eyes even for a moment. And, once they got older, the whole 'shhhhh, they'll hear us thing' kicked in. Hence the deterioration and almost complete disappearance of our sex life, which had been on its way out before their conception if I'm completely honest.

The Husband is not the most exciting of men. He is reliable, kind, generous and funny but a little dull and very set in his ways in that if he doesn't like something, particularly my friends, he will make excuses not to see them. He is also the master of the acerbic putdown, which again is linked to my anorexia problems. Coming from a background of parents who divorced, I tried very hard to have lots of joint interests and things that we did together so I stopped seeing my friends when he made it apparent in a very subtle way that he didn't enjoy their company and so we socialised with his.

I wanted his approval on all levels and I tried very hard to please and to keep us as a cohesive loving family unit. I was always hugging and kissing and cuddling all members of my family, arranging days out with the kids so we could be together and they could feel that they were loved and accepted no matter what. The Husband, however, is not good at this stuff. His family are all very untactile. If I held his hand in the street, he would find a way to free himself as soon as possible. He never says I love you unless you've said it first. He is unable to initiate a cuddle without wanting it to lead to sex. I would watch the interaction of our friends, see them exchanging kisses and hugs purely for the pleasure of bodily contact with someone who was so special to them. I knew all this before I married him and had experienced a lot of doubts as to whether I was doing the right thing but my stepmother had moved into my old home so I didn't feel I could really return home and I loved this man. I had spent six years waiting for him to ask me to be his wife so when he finally did so in his normal very roundabout way, I settled down to arranging a wedding and trying to make it work. I thought I had enough love for both of us.

And for 20 years I did.

1 comment:

Dora said...

I just read your blog for the first time, and I have to tell you.... you described my life and my ex-husband! WOW, I had no idea someone else had the same experiences!