Infidelity

Infidelity. It's a strange word. When I was a teenager, learning about sex and romance through the medium of the Jean Plaidy historical novel, there was a noun - Infidel. It meant someone who didn't believe in the true faith and was normally used by the Moors to describe the Crusaders... and sometimes the other way around. But with so many tales of infidelity playing out under my avidly page-turning fingers, I would often wonder why it wasn't used to describe someone who was having it off outside the sanctity of their marriage.

So, what constitutes being unfaithful? Well, having a physical relationship with someone who is not your husband definitely. This is not an attempt to excuse what I have done and it took a lot of soul searching to take that final huge step off Ruf's computer screen and into his bed. But where do we draw the line? Is it just a physical thing or is there a mental aspect to it too - especially in this age of the Internet where we find ourselves with access to and temptation from all sorts of unusual opportunities.

At what point was I actually being unfaithful to my Husband? Was it before Ruf with The Catalyst by reading and wanking to his stories? Or my initial brush with masturbation because I was so affected by the eyes of the Man? If no party physically intended to consummate our relationship, does that make it ok? I don't recall reciting any marriage vow involving computer screens or webcams... or am I just splitting hairs here? And am I deceiving Ruf by reading some of the fantasies that the guys put on here and touching myself to the stimulation from those?

What about unseemly eye contact with a guy you see regularly in the street but don't know by name? What about virtual flirtation by msn or email? Does sending someone risque photos mean you've tarnished your reputation and turned yourself into a faithless Jezebel? Or abomination upon abomination, having a fantasy about someone who is neither your husband nor your lover? Or is it ok, so long as you don't tell the person concerned? And then there's the whole Bill Clinton defence where he seemed to consider that a blowjob didn't count as sex?

Personally, I don't think it's wrong to get pleasure from the admiring glance of a passerby or the encouraging words of a virtual buddy. But should one hold back flattering pics from a friend needing a certain stimulus? Are these not just caring, sharing gestures? Ways of making someone else's world a better place using words and deeds with no physical strings attached?

Having lived in the chill of an emotional vacuum for a long time, I think I can appreciate more than most how pleasurable it is to both give and receive assurances of attractiveness. Does that make me care any less for the Significant Others in my life? Is there a finite amount of admiration that we are able to give out so that by being nice to someone else, there is somehow a lesser amount available to the people to whom we are closest? Well, maybe not in terms of admiration but I can vouch for the fact that there is a limit to the amount of affection that you can pour out if the jug remains unfilled with affection for you from that source. And when the jug is empty, you start to use other emotions to fill it until finally even your own self-respect has gone. It's also true that to love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself and that self-esteem in so many people is pretty dependent on external validation.

OK, I can hear you shouting, it's a question of trust. But if your Significant Other is not paying you the attention that you need, why should you not accept it from elsewhere? It doesn't necessarily follow that it's going to turn into a full bodied physical liaison. Sometimes it's just two people in a bad place giving comfort and reassurance to each other through some form of cybersex - often because they don't actually know how to say 'I care about you and you are an important part of my life' without expressing it in terms of sex. Everyone loves the excitement of an affair. Cybersex gives all that emotional intensity without all the contingent shite of logistics and deception that a real life one produces. We spend so much time getting bogged down in the minutiae and drudgery of our lives that many of us have forgotten how good it feels to say something nice about someone else or receive the compliment back in return.

At the end of the day, cybersex is only words on a screen that make two sad people feel good about themselves again.

But can that intensity of feeling be maintained and contained within the medium of a computer screen. What if you feel compelled to make it physical? Just to see if the reality lives up to the amazingly powerful emotions that you have played out on a keyboard? Does heavy petting count as infidelity? Is oral sex permissible? Or is it morally wrong to even permit the touching of lips?

And once you have gone the whole hog and committed the ultimate physical betrayal, does it then become easier the next time around? Do you lose that innate sense of right and wrong in pursuit of an emotion that could prove eventually to be unattainable? Will you find yourself swimming like a shark in a sea of distrust?

Could you ever be truly faithful again?...