Monday, 16 July 2007

Rufly Anal

I was introduced to blog sites about a year after I had taken my first tentative physical steps away from vanilladom. After six months of reading through, what has struck me most is the way that most people seem so experienced in their sexuality. How situations and positions which I had never even heard of come so easily to them. I often compare myself to Fille - we are of a similar age and background but, whereas she seems to glide through her encounters with huge amounts of French Canadian style, panache and charm, I seem to flounder - the white stiletto symbol of my Essexness wedged firmly into whichever orifice seems appropriate to emphasise my chavishness when it comes to the new sexual peccadilloes to which I am being introduced.

However, having said that, one of the things I love most about my relationship with Ruf is the way that when we get it right, it is amazing but how easily we can laugh about everything when it is all going spectacularly wrong. This particular story illustrates this point to perfection...

In the early days, we talked a lot about what we liked and didn't like. What fantasies we had fulfilled and which ones we would love to try. One of Ruf's favourites was the idea of being taken from behind by a woman. So, with his birthday approaching fast, I did some research and found myself a non-latex strap-on, consisting of a sort of loincloth with two attachments - one vibrating and one plain dildo. It was an ambitious project, being as I had never actually been anally penetrated, other than by his fingers and that only once, so I really was having to be guided by things I could find on the internet. But I was undeterred. I was sure I could make it work. After all, surely there isn't much more to it than gaining entry and then thrusting... I ordered the set plus a big bottle of 'Backdoor please' anal lubricant. Subtle! I arranged to have them sent to Ruf's flat with strict instructions that he was not to open the box without risking my extreme displeasure.

I arrived on Friday evening ready to spend the weekend. This was probably only our second weekend together so we were still quite nervous with each other to start with but once the strain of the long drive had passed, things progressed with enthusiasm. After we had both satisfied our respective lusts and had a short period of refraction, it was time to surprise Ruf with his present so I opened the box.

The first problem was actually putting the harness together. This meant putting the big light on and trying to follow the instructions - not one of my strongest suits - but I managed to insert the vibrating cock looky-likey into the hole in the pants so that the base rested against my groin. There was a bullet to go in the front of the pants so that I could get clit stimulation at the same time. Then there was another attachment that clipped onto the side of the loincloth that worked the vibrator. You have to remember here that I am a UK size 6 and so adjusting the loincloth to ensure that it actually stayed around my hips was an achievement in itself, especially with all that weight trying to force it downwards. It seemed like almost an hour since I had first opened the box. Ruf was tapping his fingers with impatience and neither of us was feeling particularly aroused.

Finally, suitably attired, I switched off the light, turned on the radio, pushed Ruf onto his knees in what I hoped was a suitably dominant fashion and, unceremoniously, set about lavishly lubing his arse with my fingers. Bearing in mind that this too was a first for me and I had to overcome the whole 'My fingers are up someone else's bottom and I hate to think what I'm going to find up there and what colour they're going to be when they come out' thing. Now I know why they equate obsessive/compulsive disorder with being anally retentive! Prodigiously lubed, I proceeded to switch on my bullet and suck his cock to get us both in the mood for what was to come and then, when the 'time was right', I slid out and round and onto my knees to attempt to gain entry.

Now, what I hadn't taken account of in all my calculations was the fact that Ruf is quite a bit taller than me. He's not a 6 footer by any means, but then I'm only just a 5 footer and with us both kneeling on the bed, my strapping hard-on was a good 2 or 3 inches lower than the hole I was attempting to penetrate. His bed is a futon so I discovered that it wasn't much good me standing up on the floor because then I was far too tall.

I knelt back on the bed and proceeded to crouch and prod at the same time. This was causing the strap-on to bend at a very precarious angle and I couldn't keep that position going for very long so I went down onto my knees again, resting on my tippy toes and started thrusting upwards. To say that Ruf didn't appear to be enjoying the whole experience was something of an understatement what with his ooh-ing and ow-ing and general wincing. I was unable to achieve more than just fractional penetration and the whole getting the angle of thrust right was beyond me. (OK, fellas, I will never say it's not rocket science again!)

Suddenly I became aware of the words on the radio:

You looked inside my fantasies and made each one come true,
something no one else had ever found a way to do.
I've kept the mem'ries one by one, since you took me in;
and I know I'll never love this way again.

One of my favourite songs, to which I know all the words. It was irresistible and, no matter how much I tried to bite my lip, they just came tumbling out.

My trembling-with-repressed-laughter squeaks, backed up by the dulcet tones of Dionne Warwick's warbling as we chorused together:

I know I'll never love this way again,
so I keep holdin' on before the good is gone.
I know I'll never love this way again,
hold on, hold on, hold on

It was at this point that I'm afraid I lost the plot completely and, despite Ruf's confused grumbling, collapsed in uncontrolled hysterics onto his back, promptly losing my erection as the shaft of the vibrator ripped itself away from the base wedged inside my loin cloth to hang uselessly down my thigh.

I tell you, you couldn't make it up!

Needless to say, neither of us can hear that song without cracking up at the vision it engenders in both our minds :)

Someone said to me recently that real stories seemed somehow more sexy than fantasies because of the very fact of their reality and it reminded me of this scene and the way that some superb fantasies just dont seem to work out quite the same when re-enacted for real.

Sorry honey x

Copyright: having my cake


Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant. Fantastically written too.

Given the previous post too, you seem to have a problem with plastic penis substitutes. If you want, I've got a real one here I can lend you - you might get on with it better. :)

Freddy said...


How true, how very true that all sounds. S and I tried a cheap strap-on with similar results (but not the soundtrack)
is mendicatus offering what I think he's offering?

Anonymous said...

Yes, let me clarify - I was offering it for her use, not to be used on him in place of the strap-on. ;)

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hehe! You've just got to laugh in situations like that!

Anonymous said...

I have a cold at the moment, and I laughed so much at that that my nose ran. Just thought I'd share that, even if it less exciting than Mendicatus' offering.

Isabella Snow said...


I think I will crack up every time I hear Dionne from now on, too!

having my cake said...

I shall certainly bear your offer in mind Mendicatus x

freddy, Im looking forward to hearing how you get on with the freddy clone in harness

Vi, it was impossible not to. Normally I would have been curled up in embarrassment at my failure but with that tune playing...

z, hope you feel better soon!

isa, crack up? lmao very appropriate

me said...

wonderful! yes - the real stories are so sexy, whatever the outcome. I love to laugh out loud during sex, those memories stay imprinted so much longer. Thank you for sharing that - i feel much better about my own mishaps now!

MonMouth said...

Give the boy a round of applause. I know women who desperately want to shag a man up the arse, and here you have a willing participant, confident and playful enough in his sexuality to have a go.

I say try again, and see if you can give your boy a bit more joy. Try a good 6" vibe, aim for his prostate and let rip.


BenefitScroungingScum said...

So, so brilliantly described...and being just slightly smaller than you I can perfectly imagine the struggle it was to get the harness on to your hips only to have it slide down..classic! BG x

having my cake said...

Me, I often giggle when I orgasm - apparently, it can be most disconcerting.

Mon, sounds like the voice of experience. I will see if I can persuade him to revisit this.

BG, Why do they always think that sexy = big?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Crazy isn't it HMC?! I laugh so much at this whole size 0 nonsense...gah, if only they actually made clothes to fit truly petite women...and starting with the kinky stuff/sexy outfits please! BG x

Lady in red said...

I cant say I have ever wanted to use a strap on but I never say never, especially in the light of what I have done in the past year and what I shall be doing in days from now which six months ago I would never have entertained.

being just 5' and often finding my lovers to be around the region of 6' I can imagine I would have the same problems te he he

Hardin said...

Cake and L.i.R., the way to solve the size problem is for you to lie down and for your male lover to sit on your dildo. Cherrie and I have tried this about every way you can, and this is by far the most comfortable for the man.

So give it another go. And go to our blog (see the archives for the September 28, September 29 and October 5 entries, or under the Anal Sex entry on Friday Positions) for some more helpful hints.

Tom Paine said...

Very funny indeed. Sometimes sex seems just too easy and perfect in blogs....