Wednesday, 15 August 2007

The Question

Why, after a truly glorious weekend, when Ruf has told me he loves me time after time, when we have shown each other how much we care over and over... why do I have to spoil it? Why won't the demons rest? But The Question is so often there and it's worse when my hormones are at their lowest ebb.

Lying naked and sated in his arms, the subject came up obliquely in the conversation and it just seemed like the right time to try to address it. So I told him about The Question - how I wasn't sure if I should ask it and my certainty that I probably didn't want to know the answer. The unspoken ending to that sentence being because I feared his response would not be a confident assertion of our permanence, but what the insecure part of me has secretly suspected for over a year.

But the demons would never let it lie. They needed the clarification. They wouldn't ever let me be happy with what is and, praying that I was at least asking it from the most secure position I could hope to achieve, in the end, I just said it straight out:

'So, if she... if Sam were to come to the door tomorrow and say she'd changed her mind and wanted to be with you, what would you do?'

Sam is a woman Ruf has always had a soft spot for, a crush on I guess but circumstances have never let them both be simultaneously single. I found out about her at Easter last year. She had split up from her boyfriend and happened to be in the pub on the same night as Ruf, so he walked her home and asked her if she would go on a date with him. She had turned him down. But she still lies there dormant, an undercurrent of subversion in my happiness...

...because this happened six months into our relationship, when we had been seeing each other physically for four of them and I had thought that we were both blissfully happy.

Now I had been brave enough - or stupid enough - to ask him The Question that had been haunting me for so long.

At first, he didn't answer... which is never a good sign.

I started to wonder if the plain fact is that it doesn't matter how many times he tells me he loves me, it may never be enough to make up for that one betrayal - the demons will always be reminding me. Punishing me with the fact that is forever in the back of my mind... that I was second best, that he came back to me because he couldn't have her.

And yet I never want him to stop saying those three little words which fill me with such joy. Hearing him enunciate his passion as he holds me, kisses me, makes love to me so that there can be absolutely no mistaking the strength and depth of his feelings, I know he is totally mine. That there is no way that he could love her with the all-consuming passion that fuels his love for me. For in those moments, he is as much a part of me as I am of him and my fragile psyche is repaired.

So I just don't understand why the demons won't set me free to enjoy this. I didn't think it was possible to feel so deeply attached to someone, to experience such intense pleasure in their company and yet know such continued pain from one single incident, torturing myself mercilessly and yet so needlessly.

After some thought, he returned to The Question and answered that he didn't really know what he would do. It's so unlikely that it will ever happen. She is back with her boyfriend and he never sees her. But he assured me that, whatever the future holds, he wouldn't give me up without a fight, without having a totally concrete reason for doing so. The subject of the Proper Girlfriend hung heavy in the air again as he pulled me against him and tried to kiss away the hurt.

I don't like the way the thought of her makes me feel and behave. I can't help thinking that, perhaps, if I was with him all the time, I would not have this irrational jealousy of a single person but I cannot and will not leave my children to be with him full time. Not yet.

We both know this but it doesn't make it any easier.


BenefitScroungingScum said...

The demons get quieter as you feel stronger x

n said...

Self esteem, thats what it's all about, or so they say. I however have also have that horrid, sinking feeling, somewhere, waiting to come to the surface. Its in your personality to feel like that, nothing you can do. I wish i was one of those uber cool girls who don't give a damn, but i'm just not. Whose to say she isn't comparing herself to you? Maybe those cool girls don't exist, maybe we are all just as screwed up as each other. Some are just better at hiding it. x

Lady in red said...

do you feel any happier now that you have asked the question and got his answer?

my bet is that you will still have those demons even if they are shoved further into the corner they will still be there.

if you are anything like me you will have good days when they stay hidden and bad days when you just cant push them out of the way.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Why would you have to leave your children, to leave your husband?

George said...

A tough situation that has to be dealt with in your head. It's a question of security and with the response he gave it certainly does not make you feel secure. The doubt and lack of security will remain until you are together and even then only after a length of time has passed.

It's terrible that our relationship failings lelave us very insecure in future relationships for a good long while.

Anonymous said...

Everything I could say is so much easier said than done. You have to just try to trust in the feelings you know to be true, without needing them to be qualified. There will always be outside "what if?"s, but they don't have to impinge on what is.

Z (who has never suffered from any doubts whatsoever. Oh no. Absolutely not. Perish the thought).

Cherrie said...

Men are always uncomfortable when put on the spot like that. Ruf answered the Question honestly and with class. In time he may be more sure that you are the only one for him.

Gypsy said...

You hate yourself for thinking it, you know you are going to hate yourself for asking it, you can't stop those words from coming out of your mouth and you pretty much know you won't feel any better for asking? Check, check, check, check. How I know those 4 wonderful stages of insecurity. As n said, its all about self esteem and from my point of view, that tiny little word Trust.

Fat Controller said...

We've all asked questions which would have been better left unasked. They feed off the self-doubt which whispers to you that you have no right to feel so happy.

You can take strength from the fact that, while you feel lucky having someone like him, he surely also feels lucky to have someone like you.

having my cake said...

BG - I guess that's true, last year I was a mess for months

n - You're right, my self-esteem is so severely lacking that it actually fights against me

LiR - In some ways I do feel happier. I voiced my fears and he is reminded of them. As you say, good days and bad days.

Vi - It's very complicated but I guess the plain fact is that my children have a great life where they are and it would just be selfish of me to uproot them to take them somewhere that they would not have the same opportunities or security, purely to make me happier.

george - In the last year, Ruf has never given me cause to feel jealous of Sam. He never sees her so very rarely mentions her. I understand why he did what he did back then. When Im with him, I know I am the only one that matters.

z - looks like we're all the same pussy under the skin. Outwardly confident and yet inwardly...

Cherrie - It was mean of me to just spring it on him wasnt it but it meant I got a true answer. One that didnt have any prettification.

gypsy - yep. It's learning to trust again... and really I think I do. Just now and again, I wonder...

FC - That's it, exactly. I hate myself so I dont think I have the right to be happy. I think we both know how lucky we are. A relationship with this sort of intensity doesnt come along very often in a lifetime... not with this length of duration.

Anonymous said...

Oh god, Cake... what timing. I asked "The Question" last night, too... a slightly different version of The Question, but same intent. And we never hear exactly what we hope to, so why do we do it? Now, I can spend my day in doubt about his feelings, instead of enjoying what I have right now, in this moment.


Anonymous said...

I was going to reiterate Vi's question and then I saw your answer.. so I'll ask a different one.

Do you think your children would prefer their mother happy or miserably attached to someone they don't want to be with?

Kids can usually tell. I don't know how old yours are, but even if they're too young to get it now, they might do eventually.

Kids are adaptable.. the most important thing is they are with a parent who loves them. I don't think they'd want you to be unhappy.

My 2 cents!

bittersweet me said...

brave - yes, because honesty of feelings must be paramount in these strange relationships we have.

As i have learnt, painfully, myself.

Luka said...

We all do it. It is the emotional equivalent of probing the hole left from a tooth extraction with your tongue. Some things are hard to leave alone even though they hurt. Don't chastise yourself too much. No one is immune to this kind of behaviour.

Born Worrier said...

Thank you for your kind comments on my blog. I am not very good with advice but I have found that my own personal demons get quieter the less attention I pay them. This makes me feel better about myself which in turn gives the demons less power to sap self esteem.

Take care


Angela-la-la said...

Ah, my darling. How I wish you could see what others see and these feelings would finally leave your fantastic self alone...

However, the sad truth is that you're a woman. What I mean is that even if you and Ruf were together 'properly' and thus he could reassure you 24/7, you'd simply find another demon pops up to torment you. And none of this is down to Ruf particularly so the poor sod simply doesn't have the right answer.

It's all down to that fucking chromosone that causes every single female - no matter how accomplished, beautiful, clever or sexy - to, at the very least, doubt herself and at worst, hate herself. And I do know that it's more difficult for you tiny arses - at least us, er, voluptuous ladies can blame the media for our insecurities ;-)

Oh for fucks sake, I do believe I just defended blokes! I must be pissed!


Dazza said...

The others have left some good comments here and I concur... it's about feeling confident in yourself. It's the cold truth that nobody is ever really "yours" but the liberation of this is that it means you are less likely to be hurt later on. Keep feeling good in yourself, remember that there are quite possibly people from your past who feel this way about you, but you may never find out. Don't define or judge yourself by someone elses thoughts and actions...


having my cake said...

Fille - We gotta stop torturing ourselves unnecessarily.

Isa - my kids are teenagers and they love their father and do want to be with him. I will do a more explanatory post, it seems people want to understand better.

Me - As we both know, in an affair, there has to be honesty because the rest is such a tissue of lies and deceit.

Luka - LMAO, that's it exactly. That softly satisfying yet painful cavity.

BW - As you well know, easier said than done but I will try :)

Angie - Stop defending men at once! Thanks for the peptalk x

Dazza - Oh, I like that thought and yet I dont! That some poor woman somewhere might live in the shadow of my golden memory but I didnt want that man whereas she adores him...