Sunday, 23 September 2007

Rehabilitation... Part 1

It was so exciting driving to his house knowing that I was going to be having proper sex again. The anticipation almost beyond bearing. Ok, ok, so last time there were seven hand/blowjobs in one weekend but, although I love to give them, it isn't quite the same. This time I get to play properly too. You cannot imagine how much I have missed it, missed him... that intimacy... the feeling of being complete that only comes when he is inside me and whispering his love in my ear. The hours have passed so slowly today.

Racing up the M25 and the M1, through the roadworks, willing the miles to go past. Until, finally, where the M1 meets the M6 and there is that big curve to the left, DJ Sammy's Heaven thumping on the cd, foot down, past the lorries and into the rain. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but getting to him.

Tubthumping up the main road leading to his City, slowing things down for suburbia and the joy of parking. The rain has stopped as I unload the car and ring the doorbell.

That first awkwardness of arrival. It's been a long drive and I have to transition from someone's wife and mother into his lover. Finally his arms are around me and our mouths are searching hungrily. Stripping off clothes and into the warm haven of our bed. Touching and aching and melting. Intimate parts laid open to each other's fingertips. Wanting but waiting for the optimum moment, he tells me about the one time. How he will slide into me one centimetre at a time so I can feel all of him again. I want him. I want him. My clit is soaking under his fingers. Ready, so ready.

And then he is there, sliding into me and it is not as I remember. It is still tight, but it isn't wet. It's as if my vagina is afraid of him. Terrified. I want him to persevere, to reassure my innermost part... but it hurts. The pain so reminiscent of that other.

He waits a while and we try again. It is no different.

Silent tears start to fall in the darkness.

The woman who had made love with such reckless abandon looked on in horror as this woman shrivelled and recoiled from him.

I am broken.


Wild Cat said...

Give it time; sounds to me like you had it all planned - this is maybe why? Too prescribed?

You know what it's like, sometimes you want something so bad and then when you get them...


Anonymous said...

Oh deary me. Sit down, let me make you a cup of tea, and stop being so melodramatic. Been there, done that. I'd have been astonished if you'd said you'd gone and had rapturous sex again straight off the bat.

Shall I put the kettle on again for Part 2?

Angela-la-la said...

Oh, sweetheart. I know it sounds trite but really, time and patience will heal you.


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

sweetie, you aren't broken! It will get better again.

Luka said...

I think it is asking way too much of yourself, and the situation, to expect to leap straight back into the saddle again and not encounter some discomfort, emotionally and physically. I think the hand jobs, blow jobs and sex are based on desire, but not necessarily genuine sexual desire. I think that you crave intimacy and reassurance and that sexual bonding is the most obvious path towards these things. It is not necessarily the easiest path though. Be gentler on yourself. Listen to what you really want, allow yourself what you really need, then all else will follow.

Anonymous said...

Nothing to add to what the rest have said... they are so right. Take it easy on yourself. I'm thinking that Part 2 will show us that you understand that.

Hugs and tea.

n said...

'transition from someone's wife and mother'
I hope you aren't being too hard on yourself, being different things to different people is exhausting. Nx

George said...

Get that thought out of your head baby. You are not broken and do not require fixing. I know that words are meaningless right now as we are not in your ... pants ... but it will get better. When you had your children, were you boinking your husband with reckless abandon 3 weeks after their birth? I rest my case because this is no different

Marcelle Manhattan said...

Exactly. It takes time, but at least you have him. At least you know that you are desired and wanted and cared for.

Very well-written by the way. You really captured how you were feeling, the build-up and the let down.

Loving Annie said...

Oh Cake honey, my empathy... Sometimes our bodies just don't cooperate with our dreams...
Give it time, get used to him again slowly, let the romance come into play, and the passion will build and explode again.

Gypsy said...

I know you want everything to be just as it was before but it isn't right now. Something big and momentous has happened to both of you. This is a transition period and you will find your way back, it just might be in a different way than before. Doesn't mean it can't be as good though, just different.

Lady in red said...

I have not been through the trauma you have but there have been times when I have been dry and sore and then I worried it would never be the same again but given time it did get better and now there are times I wish I was less wet.
you will be ok and ruf loves you he will make it right for you

Juno said...

Take it slow. Give it time. Give yourself time. And next time use judicious amounts of lube. Seriously!

I'm not being trite or flippant either. Many others here have made the extremely valid points that you're expecting too much of yourself and your body, and that patience is a virtue. I thought i'd go with the practical side of things.

Of course, if that was part one, i'm guessing that I'm jumping the gun, and part two will reveal all.

Either way, sending you a hug. (A big massive one, where my tits threaten to suffocate you.)

All love,
Juno x

Sheppitsgal said...

As others have said - just be patient. Sounds a bit like performance anxiety to me. Maybe your subconscious emotions were just not ready yet.

I am sure you will be fine. However, beating yourself up over it WILL NOT HELP!!

Be calm and please, do not worry about it.