Sunday, 2 September 2007

T is for Truth

So I said, right from the start, that I would be completely honest with my Reader and hold nothing back - other than carefully selected details to protect the innocent... as well as the obscenely guilty.

Obviously, I never quite expected it would end up going down this road but I shall endeavour to maintain that honesty. You, of course, may feel the need to avert your gaze from time to time and be excused some of the gorier details but that is your choice. I warn you, over the next few days things may get a bit rocky and emotional.

I am acutely conscious that the more cynical reader could accuse me of exploiting the situation to entertain. But I am also mindful that this is like my diary. The place I write down all my thoughts. To avoid this subject at all would be wrong and I would be bottling stuff up inside. Perhaps somehow maybe this will do some good in that there might be someone out there in the same situation who just wants to see the facts in black and white to help make their own decision - be it in terms of the future of a pregnancy or a more informed decision over contraception.

And that trying to write it down for you may help me to make sense of the jumble in my head in a cathartic way. If I can make you understand, then maybe I can learn to forgive myself.

Having my cake and eating it too was always my goal but I got careless. We have effectively been playing Russian Roulette for over 20 months and our luck had to run out eventually. I should have listened to my body but I didn't and now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm just so scared - about the implications of it, the fallout, the collateral damage to our relationship. I have to believe we can get through this and be even stronger for it but it's so hard not being with you. I just wish I could be wrapped in your arms and hear you say everything's going to be ok. I so need to absorb some of your resilience to add to my resolve.

I feel like a hypocrite. Not only for having insisted that my teenager indulge in safe sex under all circumstances... and what have I been doing! But also because I wrote on djkirby's blog about how I wasn't sure I could terminate a disabled child. And here I am killing my lover's baby for no other reason than that it is inconvenient. People have said that having the surgical procedure without an anaesthetic is going to be unpleasant but maybe I deserve it. Deserve to feel the pain.

Prior to Thursday, I did not really believe I was pregnant, I couldn't feel the usual telltale symptoms. By Thursday night, I was very much aware of the distension in my lower abdomen, that feeling of tightness, particularly when I lay on my belly. When I turned onto my back, it was impossible not to put my hand on the almost imperceptible curve and equally impossible not to feel love for him.

What peculiar paradox is this? This thing that I need so desperately to be gone pronto before it ruins my life is, at the same time, the child of the love of my life. In other circumstances I would be so happy to be having this baby. I've found myself talking to him, trying to explain why it has to be this way.

I know it sounds silly but someone once told me that miscarried and terminated children still go to Heaven (or whatever you want to call it) and are cared for by our dead relatives until we can be with them. Ruf laughed in his no-nonsense, matter of fact way but it's something I've always wanted to believe since I lost my second baby. She was only a couple of weeks gestated but that doesn't mean I love her any less and it was comforting to put her into the care of my Nan. I know, I know, I'm giving genders to foeti(?) with no possible way of really knowing but that's how their essence speaks to me.

If I really am nine weeks pregnant, then this little man is a truly tenacious spirit. He has stayed put through some pretty gruelling training sessions and some inordinately ferocious sex that would surely have displaced a lesser soul. But, knowing myself and Ruf and our characters, how could he be anything else? So now I have to connect with him and make my peace, to send him away knowing that it wasn't that I didn't love him or want him but that circumstances just made it impossible for him to be born without hurting my existing children.

So I sit here and try not to torture myself over all the permutations and ramifications of this latest turn of events but, in truth, I would not change a thing. I would put my feet firmly on the same path and do it all over again tomorrow. In a heartbeat.

As Edith Piaf said: 'Je ne regrette rien'.

I have had the most amazingly exciting two years of my life. I have never felt so alive, so beautiful and so loved.

But now I have to pay the price and try to get through the next 24 hours.

I have to.

I'm so sorry but there is no other choice.


Lady in red said...

So now I have to connect with him and make my peace, to send him away knowing that it wasn't that I didn't love him or want him but that circumstances just made it impossible for him to be born without hurting my existing children.

this is one of the most touching sentiments I have come across. you really are a beautiful soul.

Anonymous said...

If I could be there, by your side, holding your hand through all of this, I would. Please be well. xo

n said...

Moved me to tears. Will be thinking of you. x

His Ladye said...

We make our choices. We live our lives. We make peace with who we are as we walk through this life. With each babe I had to say good by to due to miscarriage, I felt I got to know them in my own way and said good bye knowing they loved me and knew my love for them. You have connected to this little person and regardless of the circumstances there are people "waiting" who will love and take care of them until you get there.

You have my thoughts, and my prayers.


Jackie Adshead said...

Moved me to tears too - all the best to you.

Gypsy said...

My heart truly breaks for you Cake for this awful situation you find yourself in. Take care of you and I'm sure I speak for all your readers when I say that we are all with you spirit. Big hugs xxx

Mr. & Mrs SW said...

I want to say something supportive but not sure what words to use. Just know we are thinking of you and sending supportive thoughts across the pond

Al Sensu said...

More proof as to why this needs to remain a personal decision and not one to be legislated.

Juno said...

Be strong. Keep the faith. You are doing what is right for you; and i applaud your courage and determination.

My thoughts are with you, and I wish you only the very best.

Warmest --
Juno x

Born Worrier said...

Bless you I have never read such a brave and touching post. It brought tears to my eyes.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take care.

Pixie said...

You are doing what you have to do, not neccesarily what you want to do.
No -one has the right to judge you, it is a difficult enough choice in the first place.
And i don't think any of us are.
And if you do get anyone not understanding then don't take any notice of them.
We all care about you

Take care sweetie.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Your honesty is heart breaking and wise.

Angela-la-la said...

Hope you're doing okay tonight, babe.

To all - Cakey was braver than ever I've known her today, and I've known her a long time. I'm proud to call this strong, beautiful woman my friend.

Isabella Snow said...

Be well, Cake. Thinking of you..

Anonymous said...

very painful, just hang in there, dont torment yourself, big hug, x

Curvaceous Dee said...

Cake, you did the right thing for yourself and your life, and that's the important thing. I'm proud of you for making the choice, especially given how hard it is.

xx Dee

cheekyfaces said...

Bless you.....Keep your chin up girl ;o)