Terminal Blunderer

Today I feel the need for a little light relief...





And so we come to the last of the married men that year and forever...

In the summer The Catalyst, out of the blue, I got an email from Mr Bumble. I knew of him - he was the friend of a friend and lived in the next big town - but we had never actually been introduced, just attended the same social gatherings. Knowing that in my previous incarnation I had been a Secretary/Personal Assistant, he wondered if he could prevail upon my organisational skills to help him run a business event. Me being a bored housewife and him being an extremely attractive much younger man, it seemed quite foolish of me to even consider refusing, once Id checked with my friend that he was not a potential axe murderer anyway.

We had lots of discussions via email about the organisation of the event, how it should be run, who should be invited, venues, dates, etc., carrying on over several weeks. And, as is my wont, I was my normal flirtatious self. Nothing blatant, just the odd risque comment here and there, which he obviously found flattering and tried to respond to in a rather self-conscious way. The thing about MrB was that, although he was very beautiful, he was also incredibly shy and lacking in confidence. At one point during those weeks, we were actually at the same place at the same time attending the same function but he hardly spoke to me. He just stood across the room watching me and smiling. It gave me a good opportunity to study him as well and I discovered that I was very taken with the way he moved his hands when he spoke. They formed really beautiful shapes, some of which quite took my breath away, which was the most bizarre sensation - to be so strongly affected by the movement of a man's hands...

The next time we were exchanging emails, I told him about the effect watching his hands had had on me and I tried to explain exactly what movement it was that had caused it. He eventually suggested that it was because it resembled a caress. It was the first time that he had ever really openly flirted with me and yet, even here, there was very little sexual undercurrent.

Sadly, what MrB did not tell me was that he left his computer open at his inbox all day whilst he went to work. On this particular day, his wife had decided to use the computer and had seen this exchange of emails. Even though there was nothing very damaging in there, she went ballistic. She was furious and refused to let him continue with organising the event whether I had anything to do with it or not. She said he clearly couldn't be trusted... with anyone!

Naturally, when a woman tries to stop a man from doing something, his desire to do it increases exponentially with the ferocity of the enforcement of the ban and the next time I was on Messenger, there he was getting in touch. He said he bear to lose my friendship and the email exchanges had been the highlight of his dull days. Well, what girl isn't going to feel flattered by that? And, remember, I was a girl who was getting pretty much no attention at all so I was especially vulnerable... and behaving especially stupidly accordingly.

Our chats on Messenger were still quite tame affairs. We discussed lingerie and my clothes sizes and the problems we both had within our marriages - spouses who were unable to demonstrate their feelings in terms of tactile affection. He clearly loved his wife very much but he felt completely shut out by her cold behaviour. Even when he tried to hold her hand or cuddle her, she would pull away and he was very lonely. At the end of each conversation, he would ensure to erase the history and archive and even my username was Danny on his screen.

After a few weeks of daily chats, he sent me an email from a new address. No greeting or explanation, just these song lyrics:

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever sent me and I was quite blown away and, at the same time, quite terrified by the extent of his feelings and their sudden revelation, especially bearing in mind the trouble he was in at home.

I didn't reply straightaway. I knew that I should tell him to stop, that he was putting so much at risk but that neglected part of me loved the attention, loved the danger, the romance.

A few days later, I got another email begging me to come onto Messenger as he had to talk to me. It transpired that he couldn't stop thinking me and things had got so bad that he was distracted in his work and had done something wrong, causing him lots of disciplinary problems. But none of it mattered, he just wanted to be able to love me.

I was starting to get a little scared by the intensity of his desire and the speed with which the whole situation seemed to be getting out of control. I texted him at work and told him he had to cool down a bit, it was all too much, too soon and he was scaring me.

Then there was silence for a few days. Nothing by text, email or Messenger. I was sort of relieved and yet strangely concerned. My instincts were all going into overdrive because something was not right.

Then I got an email from yet another address. He had been texting me but, unfortunately, he had been sending the texts to his SISTER!!!! At first, she had said nothing but then his wife's mobile had died and she had borrowed MrB's Company mobile which he had accidentally left at home that day. He had neglected to delete the texts he had sent to me/his sister and, being suspicious, she had read his inbox and sent box and found them and wanted to know what on earth was going on that he was sending such things to his sister. Bear in mind here that I have no idea what these texts said as I never received them but there was the small matter of the text from me telling him to cool down which was incriminating enough. Not surprisingly, she had told him that he was never allowed to contact me again by any means and this email was to say goodbye...




... Very nearly a year later, we were both at the same function again. I knew he was watching me. Every so often, he would try to catch my eye but I kept to the bargain and stayed away from him until the end where we were all hugging each other goodbye and so I hugged him too. His body was warm and hard as his arms went around me and he held me tightly against him. I reached up to kiss his cheek and whispered 'Goodbye' before I walked away.

Two weeks afterwards I received an email from him:

You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you

I love you baby and if it's quite all right
I need you baby to warm the lonely nights
I love you baby, trust in me when I say
Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray

Oh pretty baby, now that I've found you stay
And let me love you baby, let me love you

He truly was the most romantic man I had ever encountered and he asked if he could talk to me again the following weekend on Messenger. He wanted to try to explain.

That Saturday evening, his light appeared on Messenger for the first time since it had all blown up in our faces. It transpired that we were both watching 'The X Factor' and as Andy the Dustman came on for his turn and the music started, we were both hysterical with laughter.

You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you...

Sometimes life really is stranger than fiction!

He was away on business for the whole weekend. He had reinstalled Messenger on his Company laptop for the first time in almost a year just to talk to me. He still cared about me and wanted to talk to me but realised that he couldn't because it would destroy his marriage and so he wanted to say goodbye properly. He also needed to tell me that his work meant that he would be moving away to another county.

We chatted for nearly 12 hours that evening and for several hours the following afternoon. Late into the night on the Saturday, the subject had come around to cybersex but, in the end, we agreed not to go down that road. Our feelings for each other were somehow too pure to move on to that type of relationship. It would have spoiled everything that even his blundering had failed to eradicate or sully - two friends who loved to talk to each other and really cared about each other in a way that was almost ethereal.

I would like to think that at some point in the future, his light will appear on Messenger again and I will be pleased to spend some time with him. I will never try to steal him from his wife and he will never try to leave her but, because she views our very conversations as a threat to her security, I will not encourage him.

Nevertheless, I can't help having very happy memories of him and it's really nice to know that, somewhere out there in that big wide world, there is someone who sometimes thinks of me fondly too.