Tuesday, 11 September 2007

The Voice

Talking and talking and talking. I cannot cry but at least we are communicating about what we want from this, even if it's hard to find the answers. Round and round in the same circles, hitting the same dead ends, the same self-erected barricades and all the time I can't help but be aware of his nakedness. It calls to mine, even in my current state. Lying there stretched out under my fingers, nude, hairy and hard, full of testosterone, aroused just by my presence in the bed. Our bodies connect so perfectly. They understand what our minds just cannot seem to grasp. I watch my hand as it reaches out to touch. It is unstoppable.

'What the fuck are you doing?' It is the voice inside my head. The voice of reason, my self-respect? 'This is the man who has told you he loves you but he cannot commit to you and he doesn't know why. How can you even be thinking of doing that? He doesn't deserve you.'

'He loves me. You heard him, he said he loves me and he doesn't want me to leave. He was so upset when I tried.'

'But you didn't leave did you. If you had, maybe he'd realise what he might be missing out on and be prepared to fight for it. And he doesn't love you as much as the last girl. He was willing to commit to her at the beginning, he told you. Even if it did all go wrong in the end. He still remembers how he felt about her. And he doesn't feel that way about you. But then why would he? Look at you. He knows he can have you without even trying.'

'But it didn't work out with her. And I'm still here, after all this time. I just have to hang in there. I know he loves me and wants to be with me. He's just scared of the nature of the commitment here. We both are. It's so different, not like anything either of us has experienced with anyone else. He'll recognise that those feelings are telling him how much he wants me eventually. I just have to be strong and give him time to work it out for himself.'

'Yeah, right! Like your husband? Haven't those 27 years of 'hanging in there' taught you anything? It just doesn't happen like that and it's because you're such rubbish. Nothing you can do or say will ever change that. You know that this one is just using you. To him, you're nothing but a fuck gap until something better comes along. I mean, what man could want more. Someone who adores him, is willing to drive hundreds of miles just to come and pleasure him in whatever decadent way he chooses AND then cleans his flat whilst he goes out to football. You're just a Winky; a house elf that likes to fuck.'

His body is calling and I try to shut down my mind. This is something I love to do. I won't let her spoil it. My hand tickles and teases, touches all the most intimate parts of his body. Until I can hear his moans and sighs of pleasure instead of the horrible words in my head. Curling and gripping and stroking. Caressing and sliding. He fits my hand so well and it seems to instinctively know how to please him.

He's whispering, 'Suck me, please suck me'

I want nothing more than to put my mouth around him but the voice in my head has hit some nerves. 'Beg for it. This time you have to beg.'

Whereas he would never normally be so submissive, some of our previous conversation must have hit home. He knows that in my current unbalanced state, I am completely unpredictable and he sees the need for a conciliatory gesture and fast. 'Please suck me. Please, I'm begging you. Begging you...'

'Yeah, yeah, but he's only saying it cos he thinks that the way you are at the moment, he might not get what he wants. He isn't doing it for you but for him.'

I'm ignoring her and kissing him hard. I can feel the wetness between my legs and I remember that sex is not allowed. I wonder if I should be doing this, whether just me getting excited could cause some damage. But I can't help myself. When we are together our bodies just take over. It has been that way since the day I first kissed him. So I whisper tiny butterfly kisses down his chest and belly, moving my mouth closer and closer to the goal as my hand continues to stroke him.

'Please suck me.'

He's watching as I kiss the tip, the lightest touch of my lips on his skin and I feel the shiver run through him. Licking down to his balls and then back up again, softly at first. Each upward stroke getting firmer, using the flat of my tongue over the firm crinkly skin of his scrotum and up the smooth shaft to the top, rolling over and flicking. Leaving trails of saliva slick and wet. Teasing and nuzzling the frenulum with my tongue before finally encircling him with my mouth and exulting in the moans escaping him. Now it is I who have the power... and I glory in the knowledge.

'Power? What power? You're just a whore that he doesn't have to pay for. A slut who does whatever he wants to please him because you're so frightened of losing him. What's the matter with you? Have you no self respect at all?'

I try to shut it out as I go back to pleasuring him with my hand, faster and firmer, feeling his balls harden and his cock lengthening even further. He's almost there. His breathing is faster and he's gasping and clenching his body and, as I feel the moment arrive, I pull his foreskin up over it in an attempt to hold the fountain in. The first drops escape, spurting outwards over his belly as I envelope him in my mouth. Sucking so gently, so gently, prolonging the orgasm, drawing it out for the longest possible time, taking each residual pulse of spunk into my mouth as he moans above me. I love it. The taste, the sensation as it slides down my throat, the knowledge that he will remember that one for quite a while. I look up at him stretched out above me and he returns my smile.

'Pathetic. Quite pathetic. It's obvious why no man will ever love you the way you need. You really don't deserve to be loved at all. How can you expect him to think you're worth hanging on to when you so clearly have no sense of your own value?'

Her viciousness turns the triumph to dust in my mouth as the tears start to prickle at my eyes. I turn my face to the wall again and fight them off.

I will not cry because of this and I will not listen to her any more. Her relentless savagery has starved me into submission too many times. Her faceless loathing, her disappointed tirades of invective at my uselessness. Her determination to destroy any happiness.

I know how he feels about me. I have seen it in his face, heard it in his words and felt it in his actions. Sometimes there is so much of it, he can wrap me up in it like a cocoon. He does not necessarily love me the way she needs to be loved but we can find a way to close the gap between her needs and his.

What does not destroy us can only make us stronger. I will use what has happened to reinforce my resolve; use these rampant, wayward hormones to make me speak out when something hurts me, instead of feeding her by remaining silent and repressing as if it doesn't matter. It does. I do.

But he is right too. I can see that. We have to progress in real terms and we will find a way.

In the meantime, I shall give him a while to recover and then I shall pleasure him again... because I like to do it. And this one will be without the vicious vocal distraction to accompany it.


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Lock that voice up for good. You are a fantastic person, inside and out. Always believe that!

Fat Controller said...

We all have demons of self-doubt nagging away at us at some level. To be writing about them so lucidly is to recognise them for what they are. To bring them out in the open is to render them powerless.

The new design is absolutely stunning, btw.

having my cake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angela-la-la said...

Anorexia, abused child, harsh parent, bully. That voice has as many names as it has minds to live in but with work you can meet the needs of the voice and you and your lover. One thing I do know about you is that you know how to work at things xx

Reading time over, back to playing with your html... ;)

The above deletion was me, as you. I'm such a dippy techy bint :)

Anonymous Boxer said...

You break my heart.

Suck My Lolly said...

Sorry to leave a comment here but I didn't know how else to get in touch with you.

I don't really know too much about "new" blogger but I will be more than willing to make you a header image with cake and tag line.

I think it may have to be the same size as your current one, but we can get rid of the outline (if you want) and the text you currently have - and replace it with an image of the cake and whatever you want written in whichever font you like.

Email me: freebloggerdesigns@gmail.com

I don't want to waste too much space here ;)

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I wish I didn't understand as well as I do. The voice is loud at the moment because it's losing. Keep fighting you're worth it. BG x

EmmaK said...

Very moving post......the voice in your head is negative but I think you need to change the situation you are in. You are not happy...I don't necessarily mean breaking up from Ruf, only you need something more than what he is giving you. It is obvious. Maybe you two can work something out. I hope so.

Pixie said...

Don't listen to that controling voice. It can only do you harm.
You are so strong, you do not need to believe in that voice anymore.
You are loved, maybe not perfectly, however that is, but you are loved.
Hold on to that.
Take strength from that.
And live in the moment not in your head, unless its a nice place and thought!

Anonymous said...

Damn, damn, damn but this was well written. You are something else, Cakes. Your blog deserves all the attention it is going to get.

And hugs, by the way. xo

George said...

That was a very good self talk. I will be different to most of the other commenters because I would say listen or at least consider what the voice is saying. I find that the inner voice is often based on objectiveness while the outer voice is based on feelings, the heart.

No matter what else ... if he truly loved you the way you you describe, a committment would not be difficult at all, regardless of what happened to him in the past. He's a big boy and should be able to separate you from Ms Previous

Loving Annie said...

Oh Cake,
oh my god, you voiced the voice that used to destroy me, and the other voice that kept me such a willing prisoner needing the love I wanted so desperately froma man unwilling to give fully.....
Very powerful writing...

Anonymous said...

oh dear, you are beating yourself honey, don't let all that stuff in your head weigh you down, you should just have him until the next person comes along, swing things the other way, tell yourself, you are better, and you are, you are using him, if your not getting what you need you substitute it in other ways, you are in control, you can stop or start anytime you like, read all the comments people tell you, you have been through a tough time, don't let anyone drag you down. x

Gypsy said...

Don't let that inner voice control you but don't ignore it completely either. Your hormones are probably all over the place at the moment which is more than likely having a big bearing on the way you are processing everything. Give yourselves some time to get through this difficult period. This is not the moment for either of you to be making big decisions.

Jackie Adshead said...

It's going to be difficult for both of you to adapt to recent events - your hormones are all over the place and he doesn't know what to do. But you'll guide each other and hopefully pull closer together through it.....

having my cake said...

Thank you again to everyone who has posted their good wishes. I will try to assign The Voice a less vocal role.

Emma and george - he is committed to me, more than he is prepared to admit and the talking we did at the weekend helped us to get to the root of things that are troubling us both.

His problem is not to do with exes but genetics. To say he wants to be with me forever is also to say that he accepts that he will forego ever having his own biological children. The events of the last few weeks have brought that home to both of us like a smack in the face.

Mine is that I was afraid that The Voice was right and he just thought I wasnt good enough.

DJ Kirkby said...

erm...I seem to have some catching up to do. Love the new look of your blog btw.

Lady in red said...

I can't say whether you should liste to the voice or not as I have my own voice giving me strife.

How can you expect him to think you're worth hanging on to when you so clearly have no sense of your own value?'

this is also one of my battles

honey just keep holding on and getting stronger with each day that passes. don't expect to recover from such a traumatic event quickly.

EmmaK said...

I absolutely love your new blog layout!

having my cake said...

The design for my header is courtesy of the lovely Suck My Lolly who can be reached via the little link in the sidebar. It is also courtesy of two afternoon's hard work fiddling with my bits by Angela-la. I expect I'll have to be kind to her the next time we do padwork :)

Sulpicia said...

Just caught up on recent events. So sorry you went/are going through all this. You write with grace.

Anonymous said...

love your new cake logo, mmm, love to come and taste it, mmmmm