Monday, 5 November 2007

Having his Cake

She wasn't supposed to become a permanent fixture... but he just kept wanting her to come back.

There were so many things against them ever becoming a proper couple and he kept trying to tell her that... but at the same time he just wanted to have her in his arms, feel her fingers stroking his skin and hold her warmth against him.

Every time he tried to voice his concerns and be totally honest, he made her cry... but if she tried to leave, he asked her to stay. The thought of her departure galvanised him into declaring the words that were held back by mental self protection barriers he had erected, showing her how much she really meant to him.

He had been on his own for so long. Yes, there had been long term relationships... but he had always ensured a certain independence by the retention of his bolthole

There had certainly been incredible lovemaking with other women... but not one of those liaisons had maintained the white hot heat of its fiery passion for this length of time.

He was independent, headstrong and stubborn... but she could match those attributes with reliability, gentleness and common sense.

He was worried about the age difference with him being a few years younger than her, scared to give up the chance of ever having his own children, frustrated by the fact that she couldn't leave hers to be with him all the time... but with his current circumstances, there was no place for youngsters anyway.

When she had talked about 'our baby' and how it would be with his mother, it made him want to cry, remembering the day that had seen the worst calamity that could befall any 5-year-old. He had dealt with it the best way he could by shutting those emotions down to a minimum. Yes, he still talked about his mother... but 'our baby' had made him scratch at the half-healed scabs over the scars in the fabric of his emotional detachment to the issue and he didn't like that feeling.

And when he addressed his deepest fear that, after six years of his emotional investment, she would not leave her comfortable life for him, he was mortally afraid. Well, why should she give up all that to come and live in penury with a 'short, fat fucker' like him? He was going to end up old and alone...

... but when his lips found hers and she kissed him back. When her arms went around him, enveloping him in her warm, soft skin, her smell invading his nostrils and making a direct connection with his groin, that's when he knew that he loved her and didn't want to imagine his life without her in it.

Bruce Lee said 'Don't think, feeeel...'. If he could only stop listening to the negative demons in his head.


George said...

Nicely done ... autobiography? You have such an eloquent way of expressing emotions ... that's why I keep coming back

Anonymous said...

I confess to being totally confused by this.. Ruf is younger than you?

Johnny Huxley said...

What agonies people put themselves through for the illusion of something better.

having my cake said...

george - thank you. An autobiography sounds far too much like having to write a book... *runs away looking scared*

isa - yup,he is my toyboy by nearly six years.

johnny - what a jaundiced view but i see your point.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Yes it must be hard on him, not being able to have you all the time.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I think you get better and better at writing. Men and their emotions are hard enough to understand at times, let alone write about.

Loving Annie said...

No kiding !!! Those demons need to have their mouths duct-taped !!!

Anonymous said...

sound like lots of people fit into that mould,
the sponsorship thing, would you reckon, a pound for each millgram, lol

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I'm just catching up on your blog properly after being away (I owe you an email too!)
I didn't realise you and Ruf had been together so long, is it really six years? wow BG x

having my cake said...

Vi, it's hard on both of us :(

AB, I dont even pretend to understand everything that goes on in the male psyche but these are just some of the things that I have weedled out :)

Annie, duct or bondage tape?

Wayne, with the receptacles that you plan to fill, Im not sure you're going to be getting many takers at that rate

BG, Keep up! Or are you just trying to make me say it twice? Ruf is my toyboy by almost six years and we have had a relationship, or whatever you want to call it, for two years. Six years is the timeframe that has been put against when I will be able to commit to him fulltime.

Gypsy said...

Its a tough road the two of you have to travel when you are hamstrung by circumstances. I hope one day that you can arrive at the same destination and be truly happy.