Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Masturbation Memories

A friend has lent me a manual on parenting issues in the modern world and I left it lying on my bed whilst I came down to catch up on my emails.

When my 13 year old son came in from school, he went upstairs, saw the bright yellow book and, for reasons unknown, began to peruse it.

The first I knew of this was when he came down clutching the small tome and, opening it to the offending page, demanded to know why I was reading a book that contained a section on 'Masturbation'.

As usual, in these situations, I responded without any sign of shock or fluster - I've had a lot of practice in this field now. So, hardly moving my eyes from the computer screen and behaving as if the question had no more import than if he had asked me what was for tea, I replied:

'Well, why not? Masturbation is a perfectly normal function and it's quite ok to do it so long as you don't end up with a crusty carpet.'

This is a throwback to a friend's teenage boy whose bedroom carpet had loads of sticky rough patches where he'd been entertaining himself whilst lying on the floor reading his porn magazines and so I always associate teenage wanking with crusty carpet syndrome.

He looked at me curiously so I continued. 'Just try to catch what comes out in a tissue, rather than letting it spurt over the carpet where it dries all crispy.'

'But...' he started and then stopped, adopting a sort of sheepish posture.

'But... what?' I looked away from my screen at his little red face with the twisted, half-curious/half-mortified grin.

'But, what about girls? It says in that book that girls masturbate too. How does that work?'

'Of course girls do it as well. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. They just rub their bits in a nice way and it can make them have an orgasm too.'

I can see from the look on his face that he doesn't really understand so I go through the whole penis/vagina thing with the emphasis on the fact that the area needs to be lubricated in order for it not to be a rather dry and uncomfortable occurrence.

'And so when girls have an orgasm because it feels nice, it's like a lot of extra wetness inside them.'

'Oh,' he said and wandered off to digest and assimilate all this information.

Now, I realise that there are a whole load of tangents that I probably should have gone off at to deal with some very salient issues like how the lubrication for the penis/vagina bit gets there in the first place and possibly mutual masturbation, but that didn't occur to me at the time and sometimes you need to give them a chance to work with the more basic stuff before overloading them with additional facts and further questions. Sometimes there can be just too much information.

A short while later, he returned and starting being irritating in that relentless badgering mode that children have when they want to get their own way about something they want to do that certainly isn't the homework to which they should be attending.

'For goodness sake,' I eventually huffed. 'Can't you go and masturbate or something?'

For a moment he looked quite shocked and then slunk out of the room giggling conspiratorially...

But it got me to thinking. My son is 13 and I don't actually know if he does wank in the form that I understand the term and, if he does, how did he find out what to do?

So I'm addressing these questions to you males out there in an attempt to try to find out more without embarrassing my poor son with a whole load of personal questions.

How old were you when you first masturbated?

How old were you when you first ejaculated?

What made you want to do it?

How did you work out what to do? Did you talk about it with your mates? Learn about the mechanics at school or from a book?

Were there mental stimuli involved (like naked women pics) or was it a purely physical pleasure?

Enlighten me...


ronjazz said...

Well, Cake...I started everything early. I had a couple of cousins who talked to me a bit. I masturbated at 11. I remember one night I just couldn't let go of my cock. My kid brother and I shared a bedroom, but I just couldn't be quiet. So when my first orgasm happened, I'm yelling like Robert Plant on a Zeppelin tune. He woke up and looked at me: "What are you DOING???" He was mortified. I just kept stroking. I think I may have cum ten times that night! All yelling and screaming; I am that loud to this day.

Lady in red said...

now I am worried!!
my youngest is almost 12 does that mean all four of my offspring are busy masturbating in their rooms while I am in mine trying to keep my toothbrush sessions quiet?

I have often wondered at what age any of them have started but I am sure my youngest hasn't yet. not even sure about #2 and hes 17 but probably #3. how and when I have no idea.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

LOL! And I was spluttering telling my boys about what a gay is the other night!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Wow. Modern parenting. I'm in awe.

JsTzznU said...

Well Cake.. I too was wicked young.. just found out that rubbing that morning hard on felt good and went from there =) Never did stop LOL.. visual came later as did porn DUH..

'For goodness sake,' I eventually huffed. 'Can't you go and masturbate or something?' PRICELESS!!!! You have no idea how many times I would have loved to say that!!!

Redhead Editor said...

No wanking story here (since you didn't ask the girls), but I did know a friend who explained to her son that if he needed to use the hair conditioner for something other than his hair, use the cheap stuff. $6 a bottle to masturbate was getting costly for lube. The hardest part in this discussion you have mastered (...responded without any sign of shock or fluster"). They hate when you can do that, but it really works with any discussion, especially this one. Never let them see ya crumble. Wish we had more parents like you who talked about this with their kids. Way to go, Cake.

Freddy said...

I was a late-ish developer, and I'd guess maybe 13 when I started. I went to an all boys school so we all found out about it as we went along I think....

oh and LIR - #2 is 17 and you're not sure???
Trust me in this. You can be VERY sure.

nitebyrd said...

You gave great information to your son and were right not to give more than necessary. He'll come back and ask more when he needs to.

I think I'll ask my son when he started, he's 22. I really love to embarrass him. I'll tell him it's reasearch!

having my cake said...

LMAO @ Ron. We can hear you over this side of the Pond x

LiR - According to the book recent surveys in the US have found that 55% of all 13 year olds (both boys and girls) masturbate. This figure increases to more than 80% in 15 year olds. Loving the image of the entire household indulging in separate secret gratification.

Vi - Been there and done that one. Better start getting a story ready for this scenario

BG - Ive always tried to be completely open about sex and not make them feel that any aspect of it is in any way bad or dirty. Whether that will turn out to be the right attitude, only time will tell.

jstzznu - As the words formulated in my head, I almost stopped myself, but it was impossible :)

RHE - Hair conditioner as lube? LMAO. You have to give him marks for inventiveness :)

Freddy - Now I have this picture of entire dorms of boys all wanking away furiously.

Nitebyrd - Looking forward to hearing your son's revelations.

Cyrano Q said...

Twelve. Probably thinking of Mrs Smith, our biology teacher, who's been entrusted with teaching the entire first year about the birds and the bees, and was something of a dish. Wasn't quite sure what I'd done at first. So I did it again, just to make sure.

I went to an all-boys school too. Funnily enough, we managed to work out what to do without any girls telling us (Mrs Smith didn't actually cover that bit). I suspect it's still the case, even in mixed environments.

Freddy said...

It wasn't a boarding school, and there was no dorm. Just the local Boys' Grammar.
Didn't have much in the way of 'dishy' female teachers either. Just the usual run of disillusioned gown-wearing types who all wished they were at a public school.

bittersweet me said...

I asked my lover, and he was taking part in 'i'll show you mine, if you'll show me yours', (with extras) at 10. He can't remember using any stimuli - it was just the physical sensation which was good.

crusty carpet - what a hoot. i shall remember that, just like the advice; never retrieve socks from under the bed.

Gypsy said...

Kids ask the darndest things don't they and usually when you are totally unprepared. My daughters usually ask things about sex when we are in the car and I'm driving. Yes I have nearly run off the road a couple of times while trying to formulate an unflustered answer. They are used to me being quite frank about it all but sometimes they do throw me a curly one at the most inopportune moment.

George said...

Probably 12 or so ... the famous "wet dream" made an appearance one night. Didn't know what the hell it was but it felt incredible. A night or two later and another wet one. I have to get a hold of this and make it happen more, a lot more. The hardon was there so just touching led to rubbing led to crispy bed linen.

I did it because it felt so damn good.

toby said...

I'm shocked he approached you with such a direct question! But I'm impressed you have such a healthy relationship.

A couple of my mates "borrowed" their dads' porn mags to show us. We were aged 10-12. I was appalled and hypnotised by the images. It was another 2 years of ignorant sexual banter before I attempted my first knuckle shuffle; only mental stimulation, nothing visual. Mindblowing it was! Sadly, it took more than another 2 years to meet a girl who wanted to share my discovery. But worth the wait :)

Rose Rivera said...

Cake - What a freakin' wonderful story! I have a daughter who is only one now and I'm already imagining all the strange conversations her father and I will have with her regarding sex (both of her parents are trained in psych/sexology - poor girl!)

I think you handled yourself admirably well and I only hope when the day comes I'm as candid and light-hearted about it as you are. Sure, I tell myself I'll be open and cool - but you never really know until the situation smacks you in the face do you? :)

Thanks for sharing those great moments, and I'll be back to read more of your fabulous blog!

Cyrano Q said...

Thank you, Redhead. I'd told my wife precisely why the conditioner was disappearing so quickly, and she didn't believe me. She does now.

Mind you - I'm still puzzled as to why he needs it. It's not as if we initiated the lad into the faith of my forefathers, after all ...

having my cake said...

Cyrano - Hurrah for Mrs Smith. Im still amazed about the conditioner tho - I shall watch the levels in the various bottles closely

Freddy - Boo for fusty dusty second-rate masters

Me - Ive just added 'never retrieve socks from under the bed' to my list. Id not thought about that aspect...

gypsy - My teen decided to talk about dildos on the way home in the car one day. I too had some difficulty continuing to drive straight :)

george - OMG Id not even considered the wet dream scenario

Toby - It's something Ive worked very hard on with both my kids. Thanks for sharing.

Rose - Welcome and thank you. As I said to Toby, it's a decision I made very early on and something Ive worked very hard at. Whether it's going to prove to have been a successful recipe remains to be seen. I already have one horror story that I will be telling over the next couple of days if I can get my head around it.

Pixie said...

my sons, 22 and 16 have been wanking for years.
I do get cheesed off with the tissues youngest leaves half hearedly thrown at the bin though!!

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main_sequence said...

I'm way out on the long tail of the bell curve. Although I had wet dreams once in a while from puberty through high school, I didn't figure out how to masturbate until I saw the episode on male masturbation on the "Midwest Teen Sex Show" video blog. (midwestteensexshow.com --- I strongly recommend this blog!)
This happened at age 24! I usually use videos on youporn.com or totallynsfw.com.

having my cake said...

Pixie - I shall have to be more specific about tissue disposal :)

Project 71 - Very weird.

Main sequence - Hello and thanks for stopping by to share your memories.

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