Thursday, 28 February 2008

Double Disjointed with Strings attached

Some months ago, I ran the following poll:

So the Gynae Doc says at my IUD check-up: 'Have you ever actually been able to feel your cervix?' Apparently, if you squat and then stick your leg on the loo, gravity should bring it down enough for you to be able to feel something like the tip of your nose. Well, I'm not sure I ever have... but am I alone?

Yes 18 (43%)

No 10 (24%)

Yes I've felt my partner's 11 (26%)

Nope I've never found my partner's 2 (4%)


It was really nice to know that there were others out there - as I had just spent 15 minutes trying to find my cervix.

'Stick your foot up on a chair,' I was told by the nurse. 'Insert one finger and push it down, back and then up until you reach a thing that feels like the end of your nose. That's your cervix. Now move your finger slightly to the side and feel for the strings.'

Like it was easy peasy! Well, you know what, I still couldn't even find the bit that feels like the end of my nose, let alone two inch-long bits of blue sewing cotton that are hopefully dangling about inside me, signifying that the attached device has stayed where it should be.

I have also never been able to insert a Lil-let tampon. I got a free sample at school and it was the first one that I ever tried to use. I remain traumatised by the memory of that half-an-hour spent lying on the bathroom floor with one foot on the windowsill, trying to press the wad of cotton wool inside me... but to no avail. For, of course, the harder I tried, the more stressed I became and exponentially the more solid became the muscles preventing the process.

About ten years later, I tried again but I was still unable to get the angle of my dangle right in order to push the damn thing all the way in. My fingers/wrist just don't seem to bend or extend to perform the necessary movement. It always got stuck half in and half out, which is not the most comfortable of sensations. I'm sure this most be me because there are millions of sales of that type of sanitary ware every week and they can't all have double-jointed wrists! As a result, I've always been a Tampax devotee - with its cardboard 'applicator for idiots' technology.

I don't know if this is linked but, in the days when heated rollers were de rigeur, I could never put those in either. Sat in front of the mirror, I would end up with hair curled around my wrist, my fingers, the mirror, anything but the damned roller... something to do with spatial awareness and not being able to match the mirrored image to the movements I had to make to coordinate the real one.

Lacking spacial awareness... well I can't park my car either.

(As an aside for all those spelling aficionados - is it spacial or spatial? Afficionado or aficionado? Spellcheck is definitely Americanised and, where once I was exceptional at spelling, I now get very confused because it keeps flagging up words that I thought I knew were correct! The online dictionary just can't seem to make up its mind, so is this an English vs American problem?)

I even got Ruf to try to find the strings... but without success. I tried several times myself - including whilst masturbating to try to make the whole rooting around process a little more enjoyable - each time without achieving either aim! It seems to me that if my fingers are three inches long and my vagina is capable of encompassing a penis that is six inches long, the chances are that I am never going to be able to locate the end of it! Suddenly I have this image of my pussy being like the wardrobe giving entrance to Narnia...

In the end, for peace of mind, I got the surgery nurse to check it for me at three months. She put the two strings together and pulled them down slightly so they were hanging completely vertically and, even then, I couldn't locate them with my fingers... but at least I am reassured that it has stayed put, despite our rigorous testing - which was always open to debate after the doubtful initial insertion process necessitated two attempts.

Still, as Ruf keeps saying: 'That little piece of metal is our friend so don't complain too much.'

15 comments:

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I know it's spatial awareness because I don't have any!

Being massively double jointed I'm going to be the wrong person to ask, but I can feel my cervix just by inserting a finger, sitting, lying whatever, but there's very little room inside there. I can also make it move around just by squeezing or bearing down, and I know that's fairly unique as it's shocked more than one doctor.
I can't use lilets though, like you I can't get the angle right, and I also struggle with applicator tampons, I suspect it's because I can't get them in a high enough position to hold.

I remember my grandmother telling me about going to get a 'cap' with her friends when she was young and how surprised she was to see all the different shapes they were made in...some were like a long slim nose shape, but some were a flat disc type shape, and I would think if you're shaped like the latter it would be quite difficult to feel.
BG x

Fat Controller said...

'Spatial' (because it's part of wot I do!) and 'Afficionado'.

H. Always used to use LilLets, right from when I first knew her, but it was always my job (and great pleasure) to play 'hunt the blue string' after having pushed it out of reach.

She's never had any great desire to touch her cervix...That's my preserve!

Ro said...

Once again I find myself grateful, on the whole, for being born male.

As for touching the cervix, the only thing I know about that is it's tended to provoke expressions of discomfort when I have inadvertently bashed it.

Incidentally, the image of your "pussy being like the wardrobe giving entrance to Narnia" is one that will stay with me. I'm not sure if my life will ever be the same again ;^)

Marcelle Manhattan said...

Oh no, what an ordeal! A pain, but a worthwhile one, especial with Ruf to help you work through it. :)

Sorry I haven't been 'round here for a while ... life has intervened in my blogging ... but I LOVE your new design. I didn't know you were ethnically Welsh! Me, too!

And PS- I think you can set spell check for English or American on most computer programs.

Anonymous Boxer said...

When I was younger I remember finding "it" and thinking I had a tumor... I called my Mother (a nurse) and when I told her what I had FOUND she actually dropped the phone laughing... weeks later, my entire family sent me a fake certificate awarding me with "Most Needing an Anatomy Lesson" I was most pissed off that she told everyone. :-) I've never tried to find it again.

Z said...

Argh!! to the hell of non-applicator tampons. I was on a school field trip the first time I tried one, and nowhere near a bathroom. The agony of a badly-inserted tampon is indescribable. I heart tampax.

Never inadvertently come across my cervix, but it does enjoy being bashed by a long cock.

Redhead Editor said...

I loved the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

And yes, have touched my cervix and never had a problem doing do and am not double jointed. Don't know the secret but feel very fortunate now that I know there are some who can't. Perhaps we could have a telethon for those of you who cannot.

simply wondered said...

i can't claim to be an expert (not being in possession of said cervix and associated bits) but i'm pretty sure you aren't generally meant to put heated rollers up there.
hope this helps.

also anonymous boxer - much sympathy; i fear you would have been better off as an orphan.

didn't they have to push through the fur coats to get into the wardrobe? i bet old prudey lewis wil be turning in his grave - good!

having my cake said...

BG - If I were you, I wouldnt be able to relax wearing a tampon, never knowing if it were about to shoot out when I sneezed! :) I had no idea that caps came in all different shapes and sizes either.

FC - Thank you! Those were both the spellings that I originally wrote and then Blogger spellcheck highlighted them and gave me the others. It's playing havoc with my spelling. Ruf has also had to dig out the folded-in-half tampon that is jammed against my cervix, completely out of reach. My feeling is that if you dunnit, it's your job to fish it out :)

Ro - I know what you mean. My cervix has definitely been touched before because it's a most peculiar and not very pleasant sensation. Sometimes when the angle is totally wrong, I can feel that and the IUD. It's like someone scraping their fingers down a blackboard. At this juncture, I feel I should point out that my pussy is not a cavernous beasty lined with furcoats and giving any invading penis a snow topping...

Marcelle - Welcome back. I must sort out my usual suspects for some linky love for you - if I can work out how with the new design. We Welsh need to stick together. My patriotism is due to the recent success of the National Rugby team but Im quite sure it will be shortlived...

AB - Mean mum! That's awful. In her defence, I have to admit that it can be really hard when my kids say something damn funny cos you just want to share. But the certificate thing was a bit harsh :(

Z - Phew, glad Im not the only one exclusive to Tampax! Nonono, it's my gspot that wants to be bashed. See comment to Ro!

RHE - That's right, mock the afflicted! LMAO

Simply wondered - Hello and Thank you for making me smile :) Someone did actually once ask me to describe my wardrobe as to whether it was brown or pink. It took me a while to realise what he meant. I guess that's the link :)

Walker said...

Women sure do have alot more to worry about than men do but as long as the doctors could find it I guess that's what is important.
My Ex used and IUD until one days it came out and the doctor suggested she was to old to use one any more.
The EX told the doctor she was to old to get pregnant also.

Vi said...

Sometimes I can find my strings, sometimes I can't. You've got me wanting to go to the bathroom now to see if I can feel it! Not that it makes any diff, cause I'm not having any sex!

bittersweet me said...

spellcheck is weird .. i am getting cavalier about it's hints nowadays.

i never understood lil-lets .. my finger seems so much easier as an applicator.

I lost a tampon for 3 days once. I can't tell you how relieved i was when it finally resurfaced.

Lady in red said...

I was able to use lilets sometimes but it was bloody painful if it wouldn't stay up high enough, I just never managed to use tampax so for most of the years when I was suffering I had to resort to towels which I detested and I am so relieved that since my cervical cancer I no longer need to use any of the above.

There have been times when I was masturbating that I have felt something protruding and would worry about it and try to push it back where it had come from (I only have a short vagina anyway) but now after reading this I feel a little more reassured that I now know what it is.

thanks cake

Phil said...

LOL, love the Narnia reference. I'll keep coming back to your blog just to see your profile pic in my comments.

toby said...

Slightly shocked by your stats on feeling a partners cervix. Vaginas come in all sizes but I thought the percentage would be higher.

Your comments confirm that cervix bashing is heaven for some, hell for others. And "caps" are a minefield! From a male perspective, bumping your willy on the rim of a cap is horrible!

btw, your rugby response to Marcelle shows you are the smartest Welsh person on the planet ;)