Tuesday, 1 April 2008


His Grace, The Duke slammed us with a biggie recently. He has lost his urge to read and, worse still, write about sex.

After pondering on his piece and the comments it provoked, I got to thinking about why I like to involve myself in doing both on this extraordinarily intense subject.

I think, in terms of reading, it depends upon why you're there. If it's purely for the wank factor, then maybe you need lots of almost pornographic acts, preferably illustrated with photographs, to titillate you into the necessary sexual state. But is that more for the males? Or am I guilty of gender bias?

As a female reader, I want to be engaged in order to be aroused. A different part of my brain needs to be stimulated so that I can indulge in the emotions being generated. A straightforward, close to the knuckle, oooh-aaahh grinding bonk just doesn't cut it for me. I also find that phonetic reproduction of some of the noises and gurglings just make me want to giggle.

When I read the Sugasm entries, if I get to the third or fourth paragraph and I have no empathy with the protagonists, then they have lost me. The insertion of paragraphs into a solid lump of wordage is, therefore, always helpful.

One of the things I do notice about some writers is the lack of emotive connection with the sexual partner who is the subject of the story. I don't know if that's deliberate and, whilst I still enjoy to read (and write) that sort of story, if all the pieces are in that mode then I find myself starting to view the author as someone who is out purely for trophy fucks (I have to credit His Grace for introducing me to that term) and is objectifying the other person, which does not make me very sympathetic to the prose and, therefore, not so excited by it. This applies to both male and female authors.

I value some of the more factual pieces - especially in terms of reviews of new toys to save me the despondency of forking out £30 for something that just isn't designed for the more petite consumer. Although you still cannot guarantee that what works for one person is going to produce the same orgasmic response in another. There are some writers who focus on workers within the sex industry and those articles and interviews can be quite engrossing - there is so much that I didn't know or had assumed incorrectly.

As a writer, I am similarly influenced by emotional engagement. I tell the stories of my encounters with Ruf to remind myself of some of the most emotive experiences of my life - whether it be ecstasy, bliss, love, trepidation, pain, fear, whatever. I use my blog almost as a journal so that I will never forget how I felt at that particular time, the intensity of the sensations that I tapped into. And I want my Reader to share that with me. I search exhaustively for the correct adjectives to take them back to that place so they can experience it too.

However, recently, I have also been writing some of my most erotic fantasies. Adventures involving couplings that will, in all likelihood, never be fulfilled - but that doesn't stop my over-active imagination from wanting to try to enjoy the scenario in at least some form - even if only vicariously. Quite a few of these stories do employ situations of dominance where it seems as if one partner begins the hunt in a very calculating fashion but I hope that I get across the idea that he becomes totally engaged in achieving the complete wanton fulfilment of his quarry by the end. That there has been some sort of passionate exchange where both parties cared about each other throughout the entanglement.

During my time in Blogland, I have discussed with other bloggers the seemingly overwhelming need for sex writers to progress on to ever wilder and more perverse or salacious activities in order to continue to maintain their own interest and maybe also that of their reader. Continually searching for the next big orgasm. The problem seems to be the desperate desire for some sort of total white out every time. And yet, it just cannot be like that. Sometimes you have to accept that, no matter how small, every orgasm is an achievement - a celebration of sexual gratification.

I think here it also depends on why you write. If it is purely to watch the Statcounter going up, then you're going to be very sensitive to trying to meet the needs of the Reader and to not go over the same acts repetitively. Perhaps you are going to want to spice up the different angles and methods of consummation. To search out the bizarre and the innovative to keep things interesting for both the participants and their voyeurs. There may even be a temptation to experiment with fetishes and more extreme activities that you might not otherwise have considered.

As a lover, I have definitely felt the need to explore other options in terms of the sexual act - but for the benefit of my own continuing liaison, not for that of my Reader. There have been things that I have read about to which my mind has turned itself inside out and gone 'ewwwww!' but others have elicited a more interested and liquid response which makes me want to investigate it further to see if it's as good as has been described. If I write about them at all it will be as an encouragement or a warning to the other vanilla people out there who might be tempted to expose themselves also.

Will I ever go off sex as a subject to read about? Will I become a less prolific writer in that area in the way the Duke has discussed?


But, at the moment, I am still trying to view it through more varied methods of production. Different types of poetry. Stories from alternative perspectives. Pictures that inspire me to write about the thoughts that jump out at me from just one glance. Conversations with other people can be major contributors to my own creativity. Expanding on a chance word or half-formed exchange of ideas or even just a feeling that a person has evoked.

If I've discovered anything from blogging, it's not so much that I enjoy sex (although I had forgotten the great pleasure it can give) but more a case of how much I love to write - in all its forms.

I think, to quote Rups over at Fancies & Fuckeries, I am a Sexicographer!


Anonymous said...

Yeah... I don't like reading that emotionless hooker type sex. It's very mechanical and doesn't interest me in the least.

Akrazael said...

I agree, the emotionless stories just tend to bore me. When it becomes more about the mechanics than the feeling, well, who cares? That's what manuals are for.

As for the writing...I know that blogging started out (and remains) a way of talking myself through the intellect of sexuality. While my story may not be new, it's new to me and I was (am) looking for an interactive experience. I'm certain that the day will come when I'll get off-topic, but who cares? That's all part of the connection I was seeking. It's all part and parcel of emotional connection; a well-rounded individual makes for good conversation...or in this case, reading.

Anonymous said...

Bravo Ms. Cake,
You have chosen a style that is Right for YOU! I doing so, you have chosen what is right for Many of us.
It is very much appreciated by ME, that you: “search exhaustively for the correct adjectives”. Yes, I am there as I read it. That brings about a hope & desire to pursue my Lover, as the two of you are doing.

Whether you get off topic or not, will not change whether I continue to read you or not. I have chosen to make you a Friend, even long distance, and as such, I desire to know what is going on in your life, as much as you can share. That is what a makes a friendship, sharing.

Thank you for your Grace and insight, that gives us Hope!

Your Friend,


Vi said...

Ummmm, I don't read that many sex blogs.. but there have been a couple (unfortunately both now shut down) that I DID wank to in front of the screen. So it's not just men who do that! I think because photos were also involved in the post, which helps to visualise more.

having my cake said...

Isa - I think mechanical is a very good description

Akrazael - Praise be to god for the well rounded individual :)

Polar - You are a sweetie. Thank you x

Vi - Honest as always x

cutesugarbaby said...

Love reading your blog, just started my own and have already made some blog-mates. This is for you. TAG! You're it!

* Write your own six word memoir

* Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

* Link to the person that tagged you in your post.

* Tag five more blogs with links

* And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

Lady in red said...

you have probably noticed that I ahve been going through the same change myself in that where I was a prolific sex writer I no longer write about sex very often.

When I began it was all about the mechanics of sex but I got bored with that and found that I preferred to write about the emotions involved in a sexual connection.

Now I find that those connections are too intimate to share, thats just my personal feelings. I have also found that where at one time I sought out the sex blogs now I only read a few and even those not anywhere near as often as I once did. Perhaps this is part of my subconcious preperatins for settling down from playing the field to being in a loving relationship.

Even though I am not as regular a visitor here as I once was I would like you to know that I have great admiration for your writing.

having my cake said...

Cutesugarbaby - Thank you and welcome. Afraid Ive already done that one


LiR - Thank you and I know what you mean. You're always welcome x

Anonymous Boxer said...

well, you got me with the very first post I read on your blog.... the magic "Bunny". I didn't know this was a sex blog.... I just thought you were FUNNY.

bittersweet said...

Interesting post - although i came back today to leave a comment and your page would not load correctly, so all i could see was highlighted text:

Why? the duke


I use blogs as wank fodder, absolutely - and i don't need to engage emotionally either - and sometimes the mechanics are what i crave, because i am then free to add my own details - precisely why i don't use visual porn.

There are certain blog writers (Monmouth, for instance) where a single sentence can flick my thermostat, and i know i am also free from seeing an airbrushed lovely lady and her impossibly delightful limbs to put me off my stroke.

The more unusual sex acts, and the self portraits that accompany them, are all entertaining, often educational, and equally have a place in blog land among the journals, the reviews and the satirical commentators too.

long live blogland in its many varied forms and huzzah for all those who contribute to our online entertainment.

having my cake said...

AB - Well I do try to see the funny side of everything. I sometimes even giggle when we're having sex. Im told it can be very disconcerting...

Me - I agree about the 'airbrushed lovely' aspect. And I totally get what you say about a certain line of text just flicking the switch.

Hopefully it's all loading again now. It was the Duke's original post that made me start thinking about why I write and what I want from my reading - hence the link.