Tuesday, 23 December 2008

43 hours

I'd had enough!

The silences were too frequent and too long. I didn't care that this might be how you dealt with the difficulties within our long-distance relationship, I only knew that it hurt too much. That I needed some reminder of your presence in my life even if it was only to say goodnight. The lack of communication just seemed symptomatic of my previous relationships where I did all the legwork and continually justified my presence in their lives. But particularly I thought of the man whose name I bear. Was I just swapping one emotionally repressed, tightlipped fuckwit for another?

So, in the tearful depths of the darkest hours of the night, I resolved to end it. To make my next visit the last one. Leave you with the memory of the mother of all fucks and say goodbye. I no longer cared about how good it was when we were together only how it was when I couldn't be with you. The cold emptiness in my life seemed somehow magnified when I compared it to the thrill of exchanging countless messages with you in the early days.

Perhaps it would be better to finish with this heartache and find a fuckbuddy who lived closer. A man who could satisfy my physical needs without impinging upon my emotions.

The decision was made. The outfit was chosen. The final words were being written in my head.

And then in the wee small hours of the morning, I woke from a dream about you. Where I could see your face and your body, feel your arms around me and the crinkle of the chest hair against my face. I ached for you, longed for you, lusted for you. Reaching out to the phone beside my bed, I sent the text.

It was 3am.

At 3.01am the mobile vibrated your reply. How much you missed me and were looking forward to seeing me. How you couldn't sleep for thinking about my visit in a couple of days time.

It quite took me aback that we should both be awake at this time, each thinking about the other. I knew I had to give you another chance. At least to explain.

So I made the journey, took you to your bed and had my wicked way with you. And then told you how close you had come to being dumped.

43 hours.

You looked genuinely shocked and quite clearly had absolutely no idea.

We talked about compartmentalisation, my needs and your resentment. Your admission that you subconsciously punished me for not being there by not feeding my habit and putting cyber distance between us as well as real miles.

I think we understand each other and the depth of our emotional entanglement now. You will make every effort not to push me away but I will not get overwrought if it appears that you are.

I believe we have both kept to it. The discussion made us reassess our relationship, put in some proper controls and goals.

Since that day, I could not have asked for a better lover. A man who makes me feel so beautiful and special but allows me to be independent without being threatened by my writing. Who makes me laugh and feel so alive. Who rejoices in the lusty and vocal celebration of my orgasm and actively encourages such a crescendo with the view that it is a pleasure for him to precipitate such a reaction. This is a joy indeed.

It is impossible to deny that we have something incredibly special.

Merry Christmas, Ruf x

I know, I know, it's Johnny Depp but, if I can't have Ruf, better him than lots of self-indulgent photos of Mariah!!!


BenefitScroungingScum said...

What a lovely Christmas gift. Hope you have a good time with your children, BG x

justme said...

Glad you two managed to sort it out. Xmas is a difficult time, but I hope you manage to enjoy some of it at least. Ruf too.

Freak At Heart said...

!That was a deep post! Is it not amazing what good and open communication can do for people!

Rae!xx said...

I am pleased you managed to talk it through, it means much more when you can communicate also, MM and I had that chat a few weeks ago and it appears to have driven us apart, oh well not meant to be, I still miss him like crazy though...xx

Semele said...

Oh! I'm so glad you talked it through and sorted things out. Merry Christmas to the both of you!

Angela-la-la said...

Jesus woman, you scared me with that one! For what seemed like the longest time (especially for a speed-reader such as me) I thought it was over and I'd have to spend christmas convincing you to get back in that car and travel up to what you and I both know is the man written in your destiny.

Thank gawd I fell for your writing style rather than your fucking up :)

Love you immensely my darling, merry christmas xxxxx

Uncle Norman said...

The course of true love never runs entirely smoothly. Happy Christmas to you, Ruf, and the cakelets.


Kevin Musgrove said...

Well, that's a relief!

Have a good Christmas. And don't forget to leave a bottle of something out for Santa.

TROLL said...

Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα

scarlet-blue said...

Thank you for Johnny!!!
Merry Christmas Ms Cakes!

Polar said...

Merry Christmas Cake,
My heart aches for you, and your separations.
From all you write, one would have to be totally devoid of sensibilities to not see, how that both you & Ruf belong together.
Enjoy your children while you can. Enjoy Ruf, when you can, until the need of separation is finished!
Your Friend,

NYD said...

Hope your horny holidays are spent under the misletoe.

Walker said...

Very honest post.
Merry Christmas to you and yours

Anonymous said...

I've struggled with this same issue in my long-distance relationship, too. Although it's only a three-hour drive, it's sometimes hard to reconcile the void in the face of little communication. When we open up and talk about what is going on, things are much, much better. I'm glad you two worked things out - thank God you had that dream, right?

Jackie Adshead said...

Yeh, you've got something incredibly special there - hang on to it....

Ro said...

I'm pleased that this story had a happy ending - you had me worried there, young lady!

I think I know about as well as anyone what kind of pressures a long-distance relationship can create, especially when there's the added complication of a spouse lurking in the background. Communication, I suspect, is all and I'm glad you managed to re-establish yours, even with so little margin!

And I guess Ruf is too :)