Saturday, 14 March 2009

Broken Strings




This song captured my attention on the radio the very first time I heard it. By the time it got to the line about not being able to play on Broken Strings, I was almost in tears.

I don't think anything can prepare you for what it's like to live life in a marriage that is damaged. A relationship that is closed off and perpetually angry. Yes, we think we can live without love. How can it be any different to living alone?

But it is soooo not the same. All the time, you share personal space with a person that you used to adore. You are reminded of the partner that you used to hug and with whom you wanted to share the minutiae of your life. Suddenly, you look up and realise that is all gone. There is just this constant fug of bad feeling, where you tiptoe around each other on eggshells, trying not to upset the apple cart. Dodging difficult subjects and not having conversations that could end in recriminations or just be cut off by a stomping departure. Silence reigns and repression is King.

The cold, dark days of depression where you long to have someone hold you and stroke your hair. Wrap you up in caring human contact and make you feel warm and safe in a loving embrace.

And yet, to what purpose? To reach out in entreaty for that solace in the knowledge that it would probably be given but never unreservedly or wholeheartedly. To accept half the prize could no longer be enough.

I don't think I can even begin to describe just how lonely it feels to have your heart full of nothing but black sadness at the destruction of something that once seemed so worthwhile and strong. An empty void still fluttering within your chest.

Once you go beyond sexual intimacy, is there really any way to return? The growing gap between two bodies in the shared bed symbolising the ever widening chasm between two lovers who used to be so close and the yearning ache that engulfs everything you do because you just don't know this person any more.

Where you wish that you could just forget the past and start afresh. Pretend again that those things don't matter and try to remake a happy home, but, in your heart, you know that it is a waste of effort and energy because nothing will change. Sooner or later you will be back in this bad place with even more resentment than before.

Blame and fault no longer seem to matter. You grind yourself around the mortal coil, one foot after the other, day following night following day.

And all you can do is pray for the strength and purpose to continue or the courage to end it soon.


Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before


Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

5 comments:

justme said...

Oh Honey....living alone is a MILLION times better than living in a relationship which is long dead and gone. Truely it is. And also, continuing to live together, makes it impossible for any other, possibly positive friendship to develope between you. I think there ARE ways to return to friendship beyond sexual intimacy...but NOT if you are continuing to live together.
Honey. I know you think you have to do it this way. But I wonder if you should think a bit about the alternatives? There isn't only one 'right' way.....
xxx

Dark Side said...

How sad and like Justme says no one should have to live like that in this day and age.....I am so sorry for you Cake...xx

Southern Sage said...

Damn Sunshine. I hate that anyone has to go through that.
Even though you will probably come out better in the long run that is still little consolation now.

I'm pulling for you. I hope it get mo betta soon.

southerngirl said...

Oh... CAKE. You have captured my life in these heartfelt sentences. the guilt...the constant tugs and reminders of where we were versus where we are now. My lover has said more kind things to me in our brief, occasioanl encounters than hub has in our lifetime together. We have lost the essence of who we were. I hope there is peace for you soon. xoxo

Apollo Unchained said...

Very moving. And I hadn't heard that song before.

Maybe it's just me, but the explosions in the video really cheered me up...