Thursday, 2 April 2009

HNT: Ice

That's what it feels like. This ball of contained energy trapped inside my chest preventing the warmth from circulating around my body. My chi is totally blocked and my heart is frozen, beating dully inside a wasteland.

I am numb. Trapped in a cycle of 'ifs', 'buts' and 'maybes'. I need clarity but it cannot come without closure or resolution.

The idea of loving and being loved seems so far away and even my trusty libido has gone walkabout. A brand new unused toy lies ready and waiting but I have no desire.

I snap at Ruf via phone and internet; my words mauling him as he tries valiantly to stay with the programme without losing sight of reality. Practical and reassuring are not necessarily the salves to heal this wound.

To know that I will see him in a few days when our real worlds collide once again is torture. So close and yet so totally out of reach in terms of comfort. I must be strong and behave as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

Clinging on to the thought of my next visit but knowing that it will not be easy. I will be difficult and tearful, disjointed and disconnected. Lost in the gap between two worlds.

This was not done for him and he knows that but, in some ways, that makes the fall-out even worse for I cannot just run to the shelter of his arms to allow my emotions to regroup.

I have to learn to cope alone.

That is the price of independence.