Thursday, 23 April 2009

HNT: Legging It...

Ruf keeps saying that it's so good to have me back.

I think he means the more self assured, confident, cheerful, optimistic version of Joanna Cake. The one who laughs and enjoys life. Understandably, the pressures of life meant that she got a bit lost over the last few months.

Making the decision and vocalising the solution to the man whose name I bear was very healing. Combine that with a vast amount of good fortune, which has alleviated a lot of my financial worries and, externally, she would appear to be back, providing you do not delve too deeply. However, I know that there are a lot more hurdles to overcome before the butterfly can hopefully emerge from this chrysallis.

There are good days and bad days. The worst are where everyone is behaving well and trying to get along. We almost manage to achieve a nice family atmosphere. That's when I wonder if I'm being selfish in my desire to move away. Couldn't I cope with the situation for just a couple more years?

And then I remember.

I'm not walking away from my kids willingly. I'm leaving a man and an environment that he cultivates which precludes my ability to achieve that same nice family atmosphere on a more regular basis.

When the second and hardest part of the solution has to be voiced, that is the factor on which I have to try to make my children focus. But how to do so without demeaning their father remains problematic.

This is not going to be easy.

And I never comprehended quite how frightening.



southerngirl said...

Glad you are back Ms. Cake... Kids are fortunately resiliant but I feel what you are saying here though. And be careful to let them hurt, rage, blame wheatever they need to do for it is their journey too (I know you know that). xoxo

justme said...

It was never going to be easy. I suspect that when you have actually told the children what is happening you will feel better, however difficult that is. Sometimes the waiting, knowing that something has still to be done, is the hardest part.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I'm so proud of you honey, you've been really brave. The only advice I can offer is something I learned when I had too many different stresses to deal with all at once. Don't look any further ahead than getting through each day and finding one nice thing in it, however small. The more you look ahead, the more overwhelming and panicking it will feel.
Lots of love BG x

Hubman said...

I'm sure you and the kids will come out okay. You're right, it won't be easy, but I suspect it will be worth it.

Nice butt, by the way ;-)

Happy HNT

Southern Sage said...

It always turns out ok, and it will again.

good luck and good butt!

Krazy said...

There is research done that shows that younger children suffer less than older children with separation. I wonder if I made a good decision staying 10 more years. It's not easy to make the decision to move away, but it may surprise you how much better it will be in a few months.

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

That's tough, but I'm a firm believer that everything comes out in the wash. Kids are resilient, and they see more than people know, sometimes.

And lest I forget to mention it--nice leather skirt. ;)

Laurie said...

It is nice to see you back and your bottom. :)

Take care and Happy HNT!

Osbasso said...

Good to see Cake back! Hang in there. It's not a fun process for anyone concerned. Most importantly, keep looking forward and don't let those "family moments" cause you to re-think things!

ps--it worked! ty!

Vixen said...

*hugs* girlie

Great butt shot ;)

Anonymous said...

Here is a song or fitting poem:

Your Best Friend

Love turns around
smiles with her smiles
a faded rose
a preserved stocking
a warmth interlocked
channeling energies

A circuit spins
cycles end
I can be your best friend
If anyone wants to connect
not lost and lonely
aging simultaneously
even in tradewinds

Loves stays in motion
sees his curse
stays away
money is made
while plays a same mane
If loves stays gungho
the loves know
in their mature sighs
as age grows..

courtesy of pi

Cate said...

They will be ok and so will you. Hang in there!

Cate xxx

P.S. You look great in that skirt by the way. ;-)