Thursday, 11 June 2009

HNT: Going down...

I'm not sure this view would be particularly flattering for any woman.

It's gravity.

But, you know what, who cares? The performance of said act gives such pleasure to both parties that it doesn't really matter.

You just close your eyes, take a deep breath and get stuck in.

I have spent so much of my life not feeling good enough. In terms of physical attractiveness, mental ability and performance of life tasks.

I've dismissed so many of the amazing things that I have achieved. Played down areas that I have worked hard to develop, refusing to accept the kudos of congratulations on my improvement.

I have argued with my mentors over whether I am ready to take on the next level to the point where they have been offended at my lack of faith in their teaching skills.

The Counsellor said it's like I'm running a marathon which everyone else finished two weeks ago but I'm still running and wondering why no one is catching me up. In my world, there is no finish line, no end goal that says I am finally worthy because I have completed the task.

Little Joanna remembers her parents criticising her for the way she did something that she thought she had done well, but without offering an alternative so, in many ways, worse than Harry Enfield's creation 'You don't want to do it like that!' And then, on the occasions that she asked for help, telling her that 'She was a big girl now and should be able to sort it out for herself'.

She also recalls her mother's later apology that, when we misbehaved as children, she remonstrated with her older daughter 'because it was easier and more effective'.

It is certainly not fair to say that my parents were unkind or unloving. My father is generous to the extreme but, mentally, the cynical humour of his personality was tough on mine. In the same way that it was on my mother's, with a devastating effect on her own self-esteem. I love my father dearly but I don't think any of us quite understood how corrosive those two opposing styles can be when continually rubbed against each other. It's friction, pure and simple, and the softer material becomes damaged. Control needs to be regained, reasserted. At that tender age, there isn't so much that can be regulated... except, perhaps, food.

Little Joanna is trapped inside me trying not to make a fuss, being good and polite, desperately pushing all the time for acceptance - whether it be retrospective: from her parents; or current: from her friends, colleagues or whichever man shares her bed.

Grown up Joanna takes on everyone else's problems and tries to help them, even though she has more than enough of her own to deal with at the moment. The Counsellor says it is because she wants people to like her but it's more that, because of her exposure to the kindness of strangers in the past, she believes in karma. That good deeds are paid forward and the simple act of assisting someone else at a time of need means that succour will be provided from an unexpected source when adversity strikes. And, more than that, the idea of someone being upset when there was something that could have been done to help but everyone walked on by...

However, the situation is becoming akin to me running through the village with a handcart, whilst people are throwing on their problems and I'm saying 'It's fine, I can deal with this... I'll just throw out a few of my own things to make room'. As a result, I don't make time for me. I don't allow myself to tend to my own needs, to lick my wounds. Perhaps it's a way of avoiding dealing with my own angst?

If I am unhappy, I repress it. Push it deep down inside me with the excuse that I will deal with it when I have time. But there never is time for me because I'm always worrying about someone else and tending to their needs. So it just festers and grows, rather than being released. Not quite like a cancer, malevolent and rancorous, but destructive nonetheless. It tries to rise to the surface and I push it back down again time and again, letting it sit there - a ball of trapped energy in my chest.

I need to learn how to say 'Fuck off!' and mean it, rather than allowing people to dump their problems on me or just stomp on my opinions and ride rough-shod over my self-esteem in order to validate their own.

Or perhaps I just need to learn how to say 'No'.

Politely, but firmly.



HNTbutton


Arrow courtesy of http://www.63xc.com/scotth/downarrow.jpg

20 comments:

Southern Sage said...

position looks plenty flattering to me!

BigBen said...

Sweet pose. What's not to like!

Keep making progress on the personal front!

13messages said...

So interestingly shared. We've got some similarities you and I. You state things so eloquently. (I even had to look up "remonstrate.")

Anyway, your pose is beautiful. A wonderful shot.

marcellonyc said...

Beautiful photo.

"No", is a hard word for me also. I tend to try and please everyone, listen to their problems and in the process neglect myself. There are also individuals who make themselves feel better by putting other people down or doing things to you in a nonchalant way. Those people are evil and do not belong in your life.

HHNT! ((((hugs))))

not2shy said...

It's a superb view. It's one of the most erotic poses a woman can be in. You look particularly good like that, and knowing you have learned to enjoy it so much just adds to the effect.

I can sympathise about the parental thing. I was never able to finish any practical task because I was always told "you are doing it wrong, get out of the way and let me do it", and I still have trouble taking criticism because of it.

southerngirl said...

I grew up with a cynic and then turned round and married one. Interesting how these things affect the psyche huh?

But I tell you, all we see is your lovely beauty when you grace us with your photos. Find peace sweetie!

Lapis Ruber said...

It's odd how those deep seated insecurities we have in our younger days - no matter how caused - come back to bite us in later life. And then one realises that just as they didn't really matter then - they don't matter now. Your click pic is beautiful and the recipient of your attentions is a very lucky person :-) Happy HNT.

Laurie said...

Thank you for sharing with us. You are beautiful outside and sure sound like it inside too.

Happy HNT!

Barefoot Dreamer said...

gravity it can hurt and it can help but I doubt either party was thinking of that particular force right then and there.... sweet!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The great thing about that position, Mrs Cake, is that it exposes most of your skin for someone to touch. Both the front and the back, so to speak.

Vixen said...

HappyHNT ;)

Get8More said...

LOVED THIS ONE!!!

Thursday's Child said...

Oh honey, some days I just want to hug you so tight.

And that position never seems flattering while you're in it, though let me assure you, it's very popular with us in the peanut gallery!

Loving Annie said...

Ah Joanna,
so much pain there... so many hurts your family dealt you - and then you learned to do to yourself... my empathy honey... Been there/know it.
LEARN TO SAY NO :)

And never yet have I criticized a man for having a belly - when he is doing an awesome job of eating me, making me scream and convulse with pleasure.
I suspect men could care less if you have 1 pound or 50 pounds overweight if you can suck the chrome off of a car fender :)

Hubman said...

That position is plenty flattering for many women. Including you!

Happy HNT!

His BabyDoll said...

while we see ourselves and its not flattering, others would disagree. Thats the love of it.

Polar said...

i STAND at my desk APPLAUDING YOU!!!!

Love,
Your Cheerleader


ps. I have Never seen an unflattering photo of You!

Ms Scarlett said...

No is such a little word that can be so damn hard to say!

And that *pointed and impressed glance* is a great picture. Be proud.

mrwriteon said...

'No' is a complete sentence and no other explanation is ever necessary. Good and sensible blog that made much sense to me.

Regin said...

ps. I have Never seen an unflattering photo of You!

Nor I. And this one does not break the trend.