Thursday, 4 June 2009

HNT: Looking up...

He kept saying it.

'It's so good to have you back!'

I think he means my glass-half-full optimism which had been so clearly lacking over the previous few visits.

I know it's a cliche but I really do feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There is now a light at the end of the tunnel of depression that had built up.

My libido has returned to its previous levels, which has got to be a good thing. I can look at him and desire him sexually rather than being fixated on being comforted and protected. I am suddenly aware of a sense of freedom because I am not crushed by the guilt factor.

This is, however, merely the eye of the hurricane. There is an even stronger storm to pass through. One which may rage about my head for months or years... or which may dissipate far more quickly than I could ever have imagined. There is no way of knowing until I step out of this central shelter and face the worst fear that any mother could envisage.

I still have to tell my children that I am leaving our home. Try to explain that I am not deserting them, but walking away from their father's inability to deal with either our relationship or the responsibilities of parenting.

Damage limitation will have to be the subject of one of my next counselling sessions but, in the meantime, I think I have to deal with my relationships with my own parents and whether these have any bearing on my becoming anorexic as a teenager.

Deep joy... but I know that before you can truly start to look up, you have to go down and face whatever it is that lurks in the depth of your soul.




HNTbutton


Sears Tower view courtesy of http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com

16 comments:

Cate said...

Beatiful picture - as always! And remember you will be better for this.

Cate xxx

nitebyrd said...

You are a beautiful woman, outside and in. I admire your strength to have made the decision to live your life the way you want to.

Champagne and Benzedrine said...

I am always astonished at how delicious each and every inch of your beautiful body is - at least those inches you share with us. You look sublime in this photo - thanks for sharing.

southerngirl said...

Breathe sweet Cake, and take it one day at a time.

xx

Barefoot Dreamer said...

lovely - really.

Osbasso said...

I hope things go better than you could ever anticipate!

And looking up at that every morning would be a lovely treat!

{{ d a n i m o }} said...

i'm so proud of you for finding the light at the end of depression, even if it's only in the eye of the storm, and reviving your libido and sense of self-safety. i'm precisely on that path right now -- to the light, to a sex drive revival -- but with thankfully no even-more-horrific storm to look forward to -- just the same storm that i'm slowly learning to control.

your beauty shines through in this very revealing hnt. i know you can make it through this trying time, though i can't pretend to have anything in the way of advice for you. i'm happy to hear you can seek the counsel of a counselor though. :) *big hugs for big successes*

Vixen said...

Lovely picture.....

His BabyDoll said...

amazing....simply amazing

Thursday's Child said...

Beautiful picture, and the view is much better than that from the Sears Tower!

Helga Hansen said...

The photo is stunning, as usual, but I am here to wish you everything of the best in the weeks and months ahead. As the months tick by, I am aware that I am approaching my deadline... I may be reading your blog plenty when that time comes!!

Good luck, Ms Cake, and remember that Ruf is lucky to have you!!

Hubman said...

You're looking up? I'll tell you what's up, seeing that picture of you ;-)

Happy HNT!

Amorous Rocker said...

The very last sentence of your post is so true. And put my mind back into directions I was trying to avoid today but that's okay.

Lovely pictures. Happy HNT.

Kevin Lomax said...

Oh yeah: great pic, great body, great shave! I definitely wanna stick my fork in! ;-)

Southern Sage said...

SOunds like its getting better, thats a good thing.
Pic of course is stellar as they always are!

Loving Annie said...

Cake,
Wonderful body - you should be very proud of how sleek and sexy you are !

Telling your truth always is the best thing to do. You are the role model for your kids in the future...

Glad you are leaving an unhappy situation.