Thursday, 25 June 2009

HNT: Through the Keyhole

Mostly, I'm most definitely a sub.

But, sometimes, I also like to be on top.

I certainly wouldn't say dominant because there are very few people who could ever dominate the testosterone-fuelled Ruf. But it is always a pleasant alternative to experience the excruciating thigh muscle pain from squatting and thrusting up and down, before having my efforts rewarded with the sweetest of pleasures.

The Counsellor and I disagreed big time this week.

He feels that, when we finally tell the children, I should be completely honest about why I am leaving.

Yes, it is because my Husband is not affectionate or tactile and, through the example of his own attitude, has brought them up to view me and my opinions with a complete lack of respect.

But he says that they should also be made aware that their behaviour has been a contributory factor in my decision to leave.

This goes against every nurturing instinct in this maternal body. To deliberately give them guilt over their parents' separation but, worse, to apportion blame.

I'm really not comfortable with this at all.

Your thoughts?



Hubman said...

Happy HNT! Nice pictures...

I gotta agree with you- partially blaming children for the end of a marriage and TELLING them so is a god-awful idea. Who is the genius who came up with that?

Clare said...

That's a really tough thing for the kids to hear, and I think could be quite damaging for them in the future. However, if they work it out for themselves and come to the conclusion that their behaviour hasn't been particularly positive or helpful then that might help them develop into more responsible adults. Once you leave the family home they'll see how much you've done for them and just how much they've taken for granted.

However, I do agree with your counsellor about telling them why you can't stay with your husband. It will help them understand what behaviour is acceptable in a relationship, and what isn't. It will also give them the courage to leave a relationship if it is making them unhappy.

Anonymous said...

HNT - Nifty Picture! Love it :D HHNT to you!!

Your situation - I completely disagree with the counsellor. Never in a million years should any parent tell their children they are partly to blame for that parent leaving the marriage. That is a horrible horrible piece of advice. I do agree with being honest with them about your husband and how he is treating you.

TROLL Y2K said...

I lean pretty heavily towards your opinion. You certainly know the kids better than he does.

An Artist Exposed said...

Being honest is very positive but telling the children that they are partly to blame seems to me to be so potentially damaging... Its tricky (Hugs)

Lovely click through :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm probably missing some of the context, but I would lean toward keeping the problem with your children separate from the problem of your husband. You don't leave someone because of other people, you leave someone because of *that* person. You left your husband because of him, because you can't have a relationship with him anymore because of his behavior. The kids are not responsible for his behavior.

Not to deny that you have issues with your kids though. I think the problem you have with them is different. It might be a by-product of your issues with your husband. If you wait and see how your kids are (or have been) toward you since you left your husband, it might help you decide what to say to them. If they gain respect for you, then maybe saying nothing to them at least for now may be a good way to keep things in an evolving state. If things are as bad as ever, it might be good to state your issues with them, and how things are going to be from now on. If they are old enough, it wouldn't be out of line, I think, to explain to them what you think happened in the dynamics of the family, how the disrespect from your ex might have influenced them in treating you poorly.

Krazy said...

Nice pic! Happy HNT!

I disagree with the advise. I think it is a terrible thing to make them part of the reason why you leave your husband. You can say he has different parenting styles and you will not support his style any longer, and they should get the message... but not blame them for leaving, that's not good.

Cate said...

Having watched my friend recently go through a divorce, I don't think now is the time to be expressing frustrations with your children to them. They will be upset by the changes already. I fear that telling them they are part of the problem will only alienate them.

But it can be a good time to encourage them to be more responsible for themselves - not to place blame but to have them pitch in to make things work as smoothly for everyone.

Great pic!

Cate xxx

Vixen said...

It's difficult to give an opinion with out having read your blog further. So when you leave your husband, you are leaving your children as well? Seems like you have a unique situation.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't think they need to hear any reason other than you and your husband no longer love each other as a husband and wife should. Do children really want to know that father didn't touch their mother enough? Maybe if they ask for more information, but not unless.

Anonymous said...

Thats insane if you ask me!
I'd never blame anything on them or never tell them anyway.

Excellent pic!

Lapis Ruber said...

Find another counsellor! Doesn't this one realize that the children will blame themselves anyway? They always do and the one thing you and your soon-to-be-ex must agree on is that you both must reassure them that none of it is their fault.

Given what you are going through, it seems a bit crass to say Happy HNT, but I wish you all the best anyway.

Shelagh said...

Trying to put myself in your place, I don't think I could tell my kids that. Sure, they are part of the problem but their behaviour is largely down to your husband. Once they are on your turf, then you can make the rules about what you consider acceptable and they can either like it or lump it - that will be their responsibility and something you can discuss with them.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

wow I had to really think about what I was seeing there --- ha! I now have my mind wrapped around it, kinda like your legs

Anonymous said...

So far, your counselor seems to be providing good advice. But his advice on placing blame on your children will be counterproductive. You will have to be honest about the separation and the reasons, and that you love them all the same. You will need to ask them to step up and help you through a difficult period. Asking people, especially children, to take responsibility works well. Blame is not going to be productive. Best wishes.

K said...

I would never agree with telling kids that they had any part in their parents' break up. I don't know how it could be true anyway. Even if the husband is negatively influencing their behavior toward you, that is all on him and the dysfunctional family dynamics. I wouldn't even tell them any details about why you're leaving their father. It already sounds like they defer to him instead of you, so what good could come of it? Better to just tell them that you and their father have issues that can't be resolved. Leave the details for when they ask and are mature enough to understand.

Where kids are concerned, placing blame shouldn't be a part of the talks. I don't know how old they are now, but at some point, you will probably want to have a better relationship with them. Anything you tell them should leave the door open for reconciliation in the future. If you blame the divorce on their father, they may get defensive of him. When you have established your own life, separate from the husband, it will be easier to work on the relationships with the kids. It's still more effort than it should be, but hopefully worth it.

My kids were preschool age when their father and I divorced. Even that young, they still learned from his disregard for me over the years. I held on to the belief that they would eventually recognize his views for the garbage they are and decide for themselves how to behave respectfully. It has gotten better over the years.

Things like this are never easy. I wish you luck and happiness.

Kimberly said...

I would quite honestly get another counselor - that is quite possibly the worst advice I have ever heard.

I have never heard anyone say that they thought it was a good idea to tell kids things like that! If you need to deal with them about their behaviour do it later, on your own with them and keep the marriage separate from the discussion.

His BabyDoll said...

I would never tell my kids they had anything to do with me leaving my husband...I cannot blame them for something that was between him and I.

but I love the HNT!

Anonymous said...

I don't normally comment on what I read, but this is fucking crazy. You should not even consider telling kids they have anything to do with your breakup. And you shouldn't tell them the real reason at all. ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Its the relationship between you and your man. Their relationship with you won't change and thats all they need to know! Tell them marriages don't always work out as the relationship grows over time. Enough said.

Joanna Cake said...

Thanks to you all x

Brian said...

Nah I would hold off on dropping that bombshell on the kids. Wait until they are older for that. Mind you, I am not married and am the youngest in my family so what do I know.

Sulpicia said...

I so completely disagree with the expert. I think that would be the worst thing in the world to say to children. My two cents.

Dora said...

That advice given to you about what to tell your kids is utter BULLSHIT!!
What on earth do they have to do with the fact that your marriage is not working out. Your children in no way should be brought into the situation, not only because they have no part in the problems of 2 adults, but for crying out load, who would do that to any child???? Why would you scar them for life???? This counselor is deranged!!!
When my husband and I went to see a family counselor about what to tell the kids, she told us to say as little as possible about the details of our reasons for the divorce, since it really was only between us. She emphasized that it did not matter that Mom and Dad couldn't live together any more, we still loved them and that would never change. She also advised us to wait until the school year was over, so that they would not be distracted with their exams, and she also suggested that we tell them on a Saturday morning, so that they would have the whole day to process the information, and that we would all be together for the weekend in case they had questions and needed to talk things out! My boys were 13 and 8 at the time, and even though it was a scary time for them, we made sure that they felt safe and loved throughout the ordeal. They are 20 and 15 now, and they have adjusted wonderfully.

inkspot said...

Tell your kids that their parents' separation is their fault? Only if you want them to hate you, now and in the future. Come to that, don't tell them it's their father's fault either (even if it is), if they believe you they'll hate him and if they don't they'll hate you.

Your counsellor should find another job. Crash test dummy seems about right.

M and A said...

Kids will blame themselves regardless. Not only should you NOT let them know that they have any fault (ever! not even when they're adults!), you should tell them directly that it has nothing to do with them, even if it's a straight, boldfaced lie.

Unless you want to be blamed in a therapist's office down the road for the inability of your children to open up to and trust a partner, lie lie lie.

Good Luck!- Mike

Joanna Cake said...

I have stressed to both of them on many occasions now that they are not to blame for what has happened.

My relationship with both of them has improved dramatically since I moved out :)