Tuesday, 28 July 2009


I can remember him flinging the accusation at me across the great divide of our bed in the darkness of the night. I had rebuffed his advances once more.

I find it amazing, even now, after the numerous times that I had attempted to explain to him that I needed tactile affection in order to feel beautiful. And that I needed to consider myself desireable before I could succumb to his attentions.

But he never seemed to understand the reasoning behind my appeals. He rejected the excuse and discarded it, preferring to think it was something about me, rather than something that he could do to change things.

The first accusation was frigidity. Followed a year or so later by lesbian.

I never bothered to answer. Did not attempt to dispel the allegation. Let it lie there for him to believe if that was what he chose.

Some years later, I went through a phase of achieving quality time with my daughter through the medium of watching The L Word, a programme that we shoo-ed all males out of the room when we were watching.

It seemed quite amusing then when I clicked on 'Recent Documents' to erase any memory of photographs I had downloaded and perused, to discover that someone had been looking in my files and had selected three in particular from the thumbnails showing.

A particularly emotion-filled one of Alice and Dana, where they are clearly just about to kiss and then Alice, again, with Shane. No need to be concerned about that. He knows that I like The L Word.

Except that the third photograph was from my real world and depicted me at a party with a young female friend. Still, nothing terribly incriminating about that you might think, except that it is one from a set where we were hugging each other and messing around after a few drinks at a party. The overall effect is quite flirtatious. And in a set from another party, I am kissing her and laughing as I look into the camera. That one may well have been viewed on another occasion.

Again, not terribly risque but, of course, the seeds of doubt were planted long since and one can only assume that they are now sprouting forth and confirming his suspicions as to why I stopped accepting his bedroom advances before deciding to end our marriage.

His wife prefers Sapphic encounters with women.

After all, it couldn't possibly be something that was his fault.

It would seem almost cruel to dispossess him of this comfortable assumption.

** Oops, I had a bit of a senior moment and managed to post two pieces on the same day, so Im moving this one along a few days x


Uncle Norman said...

congratulations on getting your new place and starting to move on.

I wouldn't loose too much sleep over the old fella, save your energy for yourself, your new life and moving on.

We are here for a good time not a long time.


Hubman said...

And this man is nothing but history now, right? Time to move on...

Polar said...

We can all say "move on", but that is easier said than done. Too much of life has been lived to make a simple move.
I find it odd that he has accused you of this, and you have often written about your phobia....
Either way, we, Your Friends, are here....
Cheering for you!!!

Eve said...

I get the feeling he's gonna come across a lot more 'Lesbians' don't you?!? Anyway, much more importantly congratulations on making the break. Total respect. Your courage is truly inspiring...
Much love,

Joanna Cake said...

UN - A rule that I shall be following for the future x

Hubman - Absolutely... but I'm a woman, I can't help but think back and wonder from time to time :)

Polar - Wise as always x

Eve - Hello and thank you x

Haiku Master said...

Girl who spurns Master
must be sapphic or insane.
What else could it be?

Joanna Cake said...

Oh, Haiku Master, I love it when you leave me verse :)

Anonymous said...

What Haiku Master said, only (unfortunately) with less finesse and literacy.

Bottom line: what a tool. Sorry, but there it is. Tooldom.

How's the new place? How are you? be in touch... yes?

S x

Fat Controller said...

I follow 'The L Word' avidly, even though they show it after the 1 am watershed over here, but it leaves H. completely cold. No chance of blaming any problems on her being a lesbian then!

I hope your new found freedom means that you have more ready access to the tenderness and kindness you need and deserve.

Joanna Cake said...

Sapphire - Oh, I think you too have your moments :) Will be around to chat next week hopefully x

FC - Im sorry to disappoint my male readers but, like H, I have to say that watching girl on girl action really doesnt do a lot for me... Even when Shane is at it, there is still a vital piece of equipment missing as far as Im concerned :)

As to the L Word, I love it but Im not even sure what channel it's on any more. I think I watched series 5 on dvd and will await the arrival of series 6 on that medium also.

Anonymous said...

His attitude is his loss, in my esteem. As for the lesbian thing, I find it interesting that the favorite internet erotica for men is 'girl on girl'. I personally think it works because there are no intervening men and females are much more sensual with each other. That is my humble opinion on the topic.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Seduction wasn't his strong suit, was it? But does he still not know you've been in a relationship with another man?