Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Powerless

I lay there, trapped.

Naked underneath you in the scrambled bed.

Only moments before, there had been mutual passion.

Now, there was only fear and pain.

The leglock would dislocate my hip if I tried to move it and had already tweaked something badly enough to continue to hurt.

I'd asked you to stop but you just kept going.

Trapping my head and my arm within the ring of one of your arms and pressing your head against them so I was immobilised if I didn't want to put my shoulder out.

Each time I asked you to stop but you just kept going, choking me with my own arm.

Tap, tap. The traditional code words for submission in all forms of life seemed not to penetrate.

Until I screamed as best I could.

And then you released slightly but it was all too late.

I could feel the tears of frustrated fear start to flow.

To have spent so many years just letting things happen, not physical abuse but mental torment, the new me says when she doesn't like something.

Won't put up and shut up.

But to be ignored and have it happen anyway.

It just makes me feel so powerless.

As if nothing has really changed.

Except that this time it is you.

And I wont repeat the same pattern over again.

So I knew that I had to tell you.

Not straightaway, although as soon as you let me go, I pushed you away and shouted at you.

But later, I tried to explain and you went all quiet so I hope you understand now. I know it was never malicious but it was over-enthusiastic... and you needed to know that.

Things have changed.

But it's more than that.

I have.

9 comments:

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I'm proud of you honey. Hope both you and Ruf feel better soon. Big hugs BG x

Gorilla Bananas said...

Oh dear. Well, I'm sure such misunderstandings happen with the closest of couples.

Joanna Cake said...

BG - It's sorted but it did need to be discussed. I find the attitude has begun to permeate into my relationships in the outside world too. I am getting rid of the dead wood, the ones who thought they could mould me to their image.

MrB - I wrote it because I wanted everyone to understand that it isnt all sweetness and light. We do still have to work at things :) And it's very important that people realise that.

Fat Controller said...

Joanna, I know exactly how this is. H. and I have been through exactly the same thing just recently. I was over-enthusiastic and insensitive, causing her to use our safe word for the first time ever, and that way too late. I hurt her through my carelessness and wish with all my heart that I had just held back a little. We're ok now but there are still emotional scars. The trust we enjoyed will take a time to rebuild. I admire your courage for writing about it where I simply couldn't find the words.

Our love to you both. May you grow stronger through this.

mrwriteon said...

I commend you for the courage in writing and saying what you did.

Passion said...

I f**ing hate that shit..men are SO bloody strong..a few times I've felt like my neck might snap like a twig. It scares me..and excites me a little too..but mainly, it just scares the hell out of me.

southerngirl said...

Am sorry you were hurt but also commend your bravery for being open and sharing it with him (and us)...

Hugs.

Joanna Cake said...

FC - Thanks for sharing x As you say, it's a question of trust and there will be some time required to effect a repair to that in both our situations but I am confident that it can be achieved. As women, we do understand about the sexual equivalent of the red mist...

MrW/SG - This is the new me. Still honest but with a bit of foot stamping assertion thrown in :)

Passion - As you say, it is exciting... up to a point. Beyond that, it just makes a girl realise just how dangerous a man could be.

nitebyrd said...

You are right to speak up. That you were able to explain it and that he, I'm sure, understood, is what you have that you didn't before.