Friday, 1 January 2010

Illicit Encounters

When I was contacted by the lovely people at Illicit Encounters, my first thought was: 'Oooh, tacky!'

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this is actually a pretty valuable service for a lot of marriages out there.

MsR recently raised the question about whether the decision to cheat was a spur of the moment thing or something that developed over a period of time.

For me, it was definitely the latter. A conscious decision to try to make things better. After years of trying to work at my marriage and remaining miserable and unfulfilled, on New Year's Eve 2004, I promised myself that I would find myself a lover who could meet my needs.

I didn't want to leave my children or my lifestyle, but I did want a man who would love me just for me.

For once in my life, I was going to be selfish and put myself first.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

I had already been through the trauma of an online relationship with The Catalyst, a married man with a family, who thought he wanted an affair but, when push came to shove, realised that the actual physicality of such a thing with all those emotions and feelings was just too much for him to deal with.

In the absence of some affection and appreciation from his wife, he wanted the excitement and attention of a virtual relationship. But he couldn't cope with the additional pressures that this entailed. The sudden understanding that he had these incredible feelings for someone other than the women with whom he had walked down that aisle. The realisation that he was breaking a sacred vow almost without meaning to.

However, a year or two later, as my relationship with Ruf grew, I began to understand that an affair with a single man held equally as many problems, just of a different kind. This was a man who wanted more than to be the equivalent of my 'mistress'. To be fitted in when I was available.

Perhaps if Illicit Encounters had been available to me back in 2005, I would have joined up. To have an affair with a married man who understood the rules. That there would be emotional attachment, but that this would in no way impinge upon the feelings that either party had for their spouse. That this was totally separate from that relationship.

An addition.

A bolt-on.

Something to fill the gaps and plug the holes and, hopefully, stave off what might seem to be the inevitable descent into the void of divorce.

A decision made by grown ups, who didn't want to run away from their familial commitments but for whom something more was a necessity if they were to continue to fulfil those responsibilities. To be unfaithful, but in a more controlled way than just trawling the internet looking for love and without having to deal with all the problems that go with such unfettered infidelity.

On a day when a lot of people will be taking stock and making resolutions, if you fall into this category, then you should click here and see what the future has in store.

Married but want more.....?

8 comments:

Indigo said...

I'm intrigued now, so does this site work for just hetro couples cuz I'm lookin for a woman, but married. I've had an out of bounds fling before, but want some one with a bit more of an idea as to what to give me when they recieve what I have to offer.. and I can only say I don't disappoint

Joanna Cake said...

Hey Indigo, Im honestly not sure. Ive just tried putting in Im Female and seeking a Female but it doesnt seem to work properly.

It does, however, say that you dont have to pay to set up a profile so it might be worth a try to see what happens once you actually do that.

In the meantime, I will email the guys and ask the question but whether I get an answer before everyone goes back to work on Monday...?

If you get an answer before I do, please can you let me know :)

phallatio said...

Looking forward to reading about the encounter. Or rather, I sincerely hope you'll share some details with us.

Akelamalu said...

I could never countenance an affair with a married man, me being a wife in love with my husband you understand? I hope you find a single man who can give you everything you want/need. :)

Joanna Cake said...

Hold your horses, guys! I have my single man :)

What Im saying is that it might work for some of the miserable married people out there who cannot or will not leave the family home. Those who have tried but are unable to reconnect with their spouse and wish to try to find some form of emotional fulfilment in the meantime.

I don't think it's for everyone but it might help a few...

Ronjazz said...

I offer this simply for the intellectual debate, Joanna.

At my house, I espouse openness and the honesty that comes with it. If she wants it, we talk about it. And vice versa. All on the table, nothing left to chance. If there is still something that nags or pokes, then that particular indulgence simply won't be breeched anymore...until one or the other wishes to discuss it. It has always worked for me. Whenever a relationship has broken down, it is rarely about sex, and so much about other things. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion and seems to create other obstacles in its birth.

I'm about to enter a totally new and different relationship...but still with the codicil of openness and honesty about desires. I'm as excited as a pup.

Joanna Cake said...

Ron - I have learned from my past mistakes. But I am also lucky to have a very exceptional man these days.

Ruf and I talk about stuff, even things that are difficult. If you can hold each other and connect, you can tell each other pretty much anything and then work through any problems.

I have my fingers crossed that you are entering a wonderful future x

Joanna Cake said...

Hey Indigo, Ive spoken to IE and Im afraid it's for heterosexuals only.