HNT: Legging It...

Ruf keeps saying that it's so good to have me back.

I think he means the more self assured, confident, cheerful, optimistic version of Joanna Cake. The one who laughs and enjoys life. Understandably, the pressures of life meant that she got a bit lost over the last few months.

Making the decision and vocalising the solution to the man whose name I bear was very healing. Combine that with a vast amount of good fortune, which has alleviated a lot of my financial worries and, externally, she would appear to be back, providing you do not delve too deeply. However, I know that there are a lot more hurdles to overcome before the butterfly can hopefully emerge from this chrysallis.

There are good days and bad days. The worst are where everyone is behaving well and trying to get along. We almost manage to achieve a nice family atmosphere. That's when I wonder if I'm being selfish in my desire to move away. Couldn't I cope with the situation for just a couple more years?

And then I remember.

I'm not walking away from my kids willingly. I'm leaving a man and an environment that he cultivates which precludes my ability to achieve that same nice family atmosphere on a more regular basis.

When the second and hardest part of the solution has to be voiced, that is the factor on which I have to try to make my children focus. But how to do so without demeaning their father remains problematic.

This is not going to be easy.

And I never comprehended quite how frightening.