Friday 7 December 2007


I often wonder when I lost it.

The intimacy I once shared with my Husband.

I know there was a time when we knew each other's bodies very well and enjoyed them frequently... in a totally vanilla way naturally. But what happened? Where and when did that mutual affinity disappear?

Was it the advent of our children and the divisions that grew over our inability to agree about the correct method of raising them? Or did it absent itself long before, when we saw so little of each other due to our busy working schedules? Was it obscured by our differing levels of expectation in terms of displays of affection? Did it become irretrievable through my resentment of his attitude towards me? Maybe we just frittered it away in tiny pieces of dislike as we grew further and further apart? Or perhaps it just imploded during one of our five-yearly outbursts of acrimony at the disintegration of our partnership.

However it happened, it is just as surely and irredeemably destroyed.

All that is left is two people who share a house, a bed and a common concern over the future of their children.

Someone asked me recently whether I thought that "toys" are natural in relationships that have true intimacy? Or are they actually a distraction from the lack of intimacy within the couple?

It certainly made me think.

Toys didn't work in my marriage. I did try once with my toothbrush in an attempt to save things but, because we had lost the intimacy, irrevocably mislaid the rapport of two people who really adore each other's bodies and minds, we had forfeited the pleasure of toys. It wasn't 'comfortable', just forced.

In my relationship with Ruf, I believe we do have true intimacy and the toys are just an extension of that. We play with toys for him and for me and they were a part of our lovemaking right from the start. The idea is to get the best possible orgasm for both of us and to see if accessories help or hinder.

We use them when we have a whole day or, even better, an entire weekend just to enjoy each other. However, if time is short, then there is no room for them. We need to express our feelings using just our bodies. It has to be skin on skin. Does that make sense?

But if we didn't have the basic foundation of a relationship where we want to pleasure each other physically and mentally, where we know each other's bodies like the backs of our own hands. From head to foot and all orifices in between, there are no secrets. If we didn't have that, combined with an amazing mental connection, I believe the toys would indeed be purely a distraction from the fundamental lack of intimacy between us. A way to try to improve the physical side of our sexlife, without attending to the emotional content.

How many couples do you know who wander from one life-changing experience to the next - marriage, children, moving from house to house. Each time looking for that missing component within their relationship, trying to achieve that sense of complete fulfilment. For some, that search will encompass the use of toys - a way to improve their sexual connection. But if you cannot achieve the optimum conjunction through skin on skin, if you don't feel desire just from the touch or the presence of that other person, then how can you expect to attain it with the aid of artificial devices?

Intimacy is an amazing gift between two like-minded souls, but if it is not nurtured, you can lose it in the blink of an eye.


Vi said...

Very true my dear. At least you have that intimacy with Ruf. Have a good xmas, I'm off to Oz tom so saying it now!

Constance said...

Emotions are everything, and you summarized the loss of that connection versus having it quite well, Cake.

Constance said...

p.s. would you be willing to update my link (if you like my nice girl blog ?)

Thank you !
It is...
Adventures of Loving Annie

if not, I'll still post occasionally (maybe once a month ? on my erotica one...)

Loving Annie

Anonymous said...

True intimacy has to be both physical and emotional to work. I sometimes think that sex doesn't work not so much because of technicalities, but more because one, or both, doesn't care enough to make it good.

I don't get the toys/intimacy connection, though.

Fire Byrd said...

Trust and intimacy are the most precious commodities and should be celebrated from the rooftops when two people achieve it.

You are so lucky.

JsTzznU said...

celebrated yes, but it still must be nurtured by both !! For it's loss is destructive.

Jackie Adshead said...

Very wise words - intimacy between two people can't be forced and its the most natural and magical thing in the world if it works!

George said...

Lots of things get lost in many relationships ... I think intimacy is usually one of the first to go. Sad isn't it?

Karen said...

As I have discovered marriage or any kind of relationship needs to be nurtured. We can't just expect to leave it alone and hope that it can take care of itself. I hope I get the opportunity to give my marriage the TLC it has been sadly missing before its too late.

Mr. DNA said...

Ummm, I'm not too good with being serious in my comments. So I'll just say, I think I agree. Maybe.
Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure, I think.

Tom Allen said...

Intimacy is an amazing gift between two like-minded souls, but if it is not nurtured, you can lose it in the blink of an eye.

I think that maybe you might discover that it's missing in a blink, but IME it takes months or years for the intimacy to decay - because that's what it does: over time, it's not fed, not taken out for exercise, not nurtured. It withers away, until one day you discover that you've been simply going through the motions, having settled into a comfortable routine.

Unfortunately, some people don't know how to climb out that rut, and the momentum isn't enough to keep the relationship going.

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

Guilty Secret said...

Great post. I think it's true, you should never introduce toys to try to improve something that is faltering, when the intimacy is fragile... only to improve something already good, when the confidence is strong.

savannah said...

happy holidays! glad we're at the same table, sugar! ;-)

Eyes of the World said...

an all too prevalent refrain these days. Sad, when maintaining the excitement and intimacy is so very good and so worthwhile

Jenny said...

I agree it's a very fragile balance to maintain and often too easy to forget that it's a priority. Way too easy.


2 Dollar Productions said...

I think you're spot-on about toys, and if you take any amount of intimacy for granted, for even a short period of time, it's likely to morph into something else entirely.

Anonymous said...

So true. I used to wonder when I lost it with my ex. I can't imagine being able to get something like that back.. do you think you will?

Michele said...

I think that hardest part of my marriage ending was that I had lost the emotional intimacy with him.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but If I don't feel respected I just can't connect intamately.

Happy Holiday's. See you at AB, bring some toys--they'll be interesting fodder!

Native Minnow said...

Oddly enough, the intimacy didn't deteriorate with my marriage. It was just everything else that did.

Walker said...

The greatest mountain gets eroded into a small hill over time as it weathers a multitude of storms and many relationships go the same way over time.

Maybe we, and I say we because i have been through a few failed relationships get to comfortable and settled into the same old rut and life gets boring and tedious causing more oif a rift than closeness.

It's part of life not something we do on purpose.

Have a nice weekend

Karen said...

I see Jetpass has the same idea as me. I just popped in to see if you would bring some of your sex toys to the party cos I need a little bit of educating in that area and I thought "who better than cake".

Upset Waitress said...

I'm not sure if using your tooth brush was the right approach. That isn't even a real attempt. That's like sticking a chop-stick in a jelly jar.

Old Knudsen said...

Silence, that kills the marriage. When the two people stay in their own heads. Toys are something to fill a gap.

Not that kind of gap.

Shane said...

I think this is quite a beautiful post, pithy even. It works on different levels.

BlazngScarlet said...

I am right there with you.
I have no intimacy in my relationship, and we're just 2 people sharing a roof (not even a bed anymore).

Too many things destroyed it, and now .... well, medical issues keep us from ever gaining it back.


I need a drink now ....
Let's get pissed and bring out the toys!
THAT'LL get the party in full swing! ;)

Joanna Cake said...

Thank you to everyone who has commented.

It would seem that the most important thing is communication and we're all just going to have to learn from experience and never let silence ruin a relationship again.

That, combined with complacency, seem to kill a love affair stone dead.

Anonymous said...

So true, so true... it is scary how fast it can all dissolve away - like a sugar cube in hot water. The number of people walking around in this state of convenient loneliness is astounding. There is a basic human need to connect with another person on a very special level - and it seems like that is the easy part - to make the connection - but what is astoundingly difficult is to maintain that connection. ~Catalina