Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Do you want me...?

Sugasm #100

I pick you up, as we arranged, at 12. As you slide into the car, I can see that you are as nervous and worried about this as I am, but we agreed that we need to be face to face to truly sort this out. We can't go on like this, pretending that we don't care - it's just such a hard habit to break. But there are two marriages and the futures of several children hanging in the balance.

Touching the back of your hand with my fingers, you smile and squeeze my hand. On the drive to the hotel, about 20 minutes away, neither of us can really speak, there's so much to say and so much that we can't say. After registering and getting the key, we go upstairs and into the room.

Closing the door, throwing my bag down on the floor and turning around to face you. We're standing about six feet apart, just staring into each other's eyes. My mouth is so dry and I'm so scared because a few weeks ago, this moment would have been the culmination of our dreams and now everything is so uncertain and so unsure. But I know that I have to be strong for both of us because this is the only thing that will give us both closure and ease this pain.

'Do you want me?' You swallow hard and say 'No'. I take a step towards you and undo a button on my blouse. You can see the pale pink of my bra strap and you know what I'm wearing under there. The images of that outfit are etched in your brain.

'Do you want me?' I undo another button. You can see my nipples straining against the material, calling you. Your teeth are clenched together and your hands are gripped in fists by your sides. You close your eyes and whisper 'No' but I can see the lie growing in your jeans and I take another step towards you and run my finger tip down your arm. The shiver that runs through you tells me everything I need to know.

'Tell me you don't want me...'

Your breath is like a sob catching at the back of your throat and in one step, you've swept me against you and shoved me back against the wall so hard it hurts. I catch my breath and then your mouth is on mine and your tongue is inside. Your hands are just ripping the blouse off, running all over the fabric underneath and then undoing my belt and my jeans and dragging them down and off so I'm standing there in my basque and thong and black stiletto boots.

You're on your knees with your face pressed against my thighs, loosening the boots and sliding them off one after another. Your hands run up the inside of my legs, grab the edge of the lace to drag the thong down and, as I kick it off, you do what we've both dreamed of and lick me in one long glorious stroke from hole to clit. I can't help but moan. I want to touch you and hold your head against me but you won't let me. You knock my hands away and stand up, pressing yourself against me, forcing me back against the wall.

I hate the way you're looking at me. You're trying to make yourself hate me because of how I make you feel, so guilty, confused, but so horny and I can't bear to have you take me like that so I try to push you away, struggling under your weight, hitting your chest with my fists, twisting my face away as you try to kiss me again. You take my wrists and hold them above my head with one hand whilst you unbutton your fly and my totem is there, so close but I can't hold him. Your hand is between my legs and my body betrays me, so wet with longing, that your fingers just slide inside me. I hear you gasp and I know how much you want me and how much this is killing you.

I wrap my legs around your waist as you thrust yourself into me so hard I wince. But I know it has to be this way, you can't love me, you won't let yourself. This is something that has to be done. It's all about rough, violent sex, our lust, a slaking of a thirst, a quenching of a need, satisfaction of a desire, the consummation of so many months of yearning and I want it as badly as you do. I press myself against you, feeling you inside me filling me so completely, touching the deepest part of me and I whisper 'Just fuck me, let it out and fuck me...' Your mouth is on mine again and you're slamming into me harder and harder. It's excruciating and ecstasy at the same time.

I'm gasping with it. Panting and moaning and you're shouting my name. I can feel all the sensations rising in me, the way only you can make them and I know that it doesn't matter how rough this is, my body belongs to yours, it responds to you, it knows what you need and what you want and it meets yours and overlaps yours. It isn't love, it's just primal but it has to be satisfied. It's as if we've known each other for eternity and loved each other in so many past lives but in this one, there is only this.

You let go of my wrists and pull my bottom towards you you. My arms go around your neck and I'm mouthing your name breathlessly because the emotion and the feeling is so strong I can't speak. And then I'm rigid against you as it hits me, arching into you, tightening round you, riding the wave of everything we feel for each other as you release into me, shuddering and shaking. We're both crying and I'm trying to support us with my back against the wall because your legs are trembling so much.

We just stand there like that for what seems like forever until you realise that I can't stop shivering. So summoning up your last reserve of strength, you carry me over to the bed, kick off your shoes, step out of your jeans and cuddle up to me under the covers, holding each other, trying to warm ourselves up. Everything is drained out of us.

And then I remember how short the time we have together is and I pull off your tshirt. Your skin is so soft under my fingers and my lips. My tongue caresses your nipple, whilst my hands stroke the ripples of the muscles you worked so hard on for me.

Kissing my way down your stomach, licking your navel, torturing myself that this is the only time this will ever happen and knowing I must enjoy every second of it. Touching your scar hidden amongst the hair on your lower belly - I feel as if I know your body like my own and there he is, the thing that torments my dreams, pushing towards my mouth, knowing what I want and what you want. Licking the frenulum and feeling him pulsate against my tongue. Encircling the shaft with my hands and caressing and stroking and enveloping him with my mouth. The tip of my tongue still against the sort of W, which is all that remains of your foreskin, and the head pressed against the roof of my mouth, sucking and licking and tickling your balls with my fingers. I never knew I could feel so turned on and want someone so much. Your hands are pulling my hair and pressing my head closer against you and I've taken as much inside my mouth as I can, pulling it back and forth, sucking and licking and tickling. Your balls are harder and harder and I know I have to be careful but I love this so much and I don't want to stop until the last possible second. I can feel you thrusting against me and I'm having to fight to control your passage with my hands. I can hear you groaning and whispering my name, the way I've heard you over the phone and at the last second, I move my mouth away and it spurts all over my chest.

Finally, pulling off the basque, pushing me onto my back and kissing me as you use the sheet to clean me up. Before long, you're kissing me all over, my face, my nipples, my shoulders, my belly and my whole body is on fire with wanting you... and I can't believe you're hard again. Kneeling over me whilst sucking and blowing on my nipples, I can feel you against my hip and then all I can think of is your tongue as it licks between my legs, the way you promised it would. Your fingers pushing from the inside, sandwiching all my nerve endings and taking me up there again, arching against your face and your hand, loving you and hating you at the same time for the power you have over me... so hot and so wet, aching for you, tightening round your fingers and melting over you as my body ripples with pleasure from the shockwaves running through it.

You sit up and I lift my legs up and press my painted toe into your mouth in time to the rhythm of your fingers and then run my foot down your chest to where he's waiting to be captured between my two feet and caressed. I hear you whisper, 'where is it?' And I smile and reach out my hand to drag my bag over, unzip it and take out the toothbrush. I press it against my clit, giggling as I press the switch and all the glorious sensations start.

Knowing you're finally watching me just heightens everything and I want to remember the look on your face forever as you take it in, both of us feeling so wanted and desired and unselfconscious.

My other hand tweaking and tickling my nipple and our eyes locked together, just enjoying the effect we have on each other. Then, I have to close my eyes because I'm trying to concentrate on keeping my feet moving and I feel you trying to push something into me. Something hard and familiar, you saw it on the open top of my bag and you cant help yourself. Holding the pink ears back as you insert it into me, pushing it higher and higher and then switching to the first level on both sides, smiling as you see the goosebumps starting and switch to the second level, laughing as my nipples become rigid with pleasure. The third level starts you quivering as you watch the shivers running the length of my body, the fourth speed as I start to moan with pleasure and finally to maximum, watching the vibrations take hold of me. My clit being stimulated with the toothbrush and the ears and by the rabbit from the inside.

You start to push the rabbit in and out of me and then you put my feet, one by one, onto your shoulders. You so want to see me the way you always imagined this. You want to see me coming the way I described it to you. To see, to hear and to feel. My mouth is open and I'm pushing against you as you push it into me, grinding and twisting, my hand pressing the toothbrush harder against me - exquisite sensations and I'm gasping and panting and calling to you because I can't take much more. I start to move the toothbrush away but you snatch it from me and press it back on, remembering what I always said about not being able to experience and manipulate to that final bit.

I scream and throw my arms out, pressing my hips upwards against the vibrations, opening my legs wide and arching my back, pushing my nipples up and up. My skin is glistening, my hands are gripping the sheets and I'm laughing and crying as you thrust it in and out of me harder and harder. Watching me, so vulnerable and so trusting until, finally, you see what you've only ever heard; panting and screaming as the most complete orgasm hits, tremors rip through me and my insides explode soaking the rabbit and your hand.

Suddenly I'm really crying and you put the toothbrush down, switch the rabbit off, lie down beside me and just hold me, shaking and trembling until it passes, leaving me limp and breathless in your arms.

Then, when I'm calm and warm and safe, you make love to me. Carefully, quietly, with no fireworks, no tricks. Just acknowledging the way we have come to feel about each other. Accepting that it happened and that by doing this and not fighting it, we can come to terms with it and learn to live with only our friendship. This time we both climb the mountain together and go off the edge and it's not earth shattering and there's no screaming, just a feeling of completeness as if the part of us that we exchanged has been returned and the ache of all those dreams is satisfied. We stay locked together our arms wrapped around each other for as long as we can, just wanting to hold onto that feeling until time catches up with us.

We help each other to get dressed, still touching and caressing and smiling, but no longer nervous or afraid. You carry my bag and hold my hand as we walk back to the car and that hand is on my knee the whole drive back. That's when that damned record by Keane comes on 'This is the last time' and we start to laugh.

I stop the car to let you out and you reach over to kiss me properly one last time; looking into my eyes and smiling. We both want to speak, but there is no more to say. What we have can't survive out here in the real world. It exists inside us. There will be no more tears. It is done.

So you squeeze my hand and close the door and watch me drive away.


bittersweet me said...

A rollercoaster of emotions there; made me quite breathless.

ronjazz said...

Marvelous. This is a woman who LIVES. This is what I want in my own life! Arms wide open, taking it in, learning and loving and all. Good for you....take care and keep moving forward, my hot little friend...:)

Gypsy said...

Wow, that was sexy, hot, sad, poignant and so much more. You have a way of scooping up your reader and taking them along for the ride and what a ride it was. Well done, that was brilliant.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Nicley written - I'm sure the Rabbit and Akbar are sitting somewhere.... oh, I don't want to think about that.. back to your story.... I agree with Bittersweet... leaves you breathless.

Ms Robinson said...

Oh I felt that. X

JsTzznU said...

Wicked Hot! Cake =) Very nice

RAFFI said...

and then you made love???? holy sexual rampages batman, that's awesome. of course, i too have the libido of a seventeen year old boy combined with the strength of ten tigers and would probably have kept standing up with your back to the wall... and then started doing flips

Loving Annie said...

Good Wednesday evening to you, Cake.
Such an eloquent and poignant and powerful post...
Everything it in feels as though I have been there - and explains why I am afraid to go there...
Amazing writing... I'd be both in total pieces -- and also at peace, somehow simultaneously...
Loving Annie in awe at your writing and the feelings that you captured.

Redhead Editor said...

Damn, Girl. I can barely catch my breath.

Ms Robinson said...

Cake: Someone has asked me for names of people who write about sex that I like. I included yours. I think it's for a directory of sorts.

EmmaK said...

one word springs to mind: live really intensely. I don't think I could take that much emotion.

having my cake said...

Thanks everyone. This was actually therapy. I started writing it in January 2005, just after MrUD ended things and it took me almost a year to feel the need not to keep working on it.

I thought I had lost it, but then it came to light a week or so ago in my drafts on an email addie when I was looking for something else. Having read it through, I just felt it didnt deserve to remain a draft, mouldering away. It still needed a little tweaking because, reading it, I knew that it was, at last, over and this was the last farewell.

I actually sent it to him yesterday... for old time's sake.

It would seem that I still have the power to give him a rush :)

Anonymous said...

that was awesome, x

Curvaceous Dee said...

Great post, Cake. Hot, bittersweet, sad, and hot all over again. Thank you for sharing it!

xx Dee

Jackie Adshead said...

Very hot - and sensitively poignant at the same time..... lovely.

Dazza said...

I do love your writing. Anything that can be both poignant and erotic at the same time always gets my vote.


A Nawty Mouz said...

A hurricane of emotions and passions awash in conflicting desires, intensely written.

Thank you for sharing such a deeply affecting experience.


Anonymous said...

Bravo! A whirlwind of intensity.
Congratulations - Being in the top 3 is well-deserved!

Jewaira said...

Enjoyed reading that

Will said...

~~Lock this up, and keep it in mind for further writing.
(I have a feeling, that if you keep on writing, as well as this, one day you'll look back upon this post, and say, "That was when I hit the mark.")

~~If you haven't considered publishing before, I think it's time you did.~~(just an observers opinion)

This was extraordinarily written.

~~So filled with feeling, depth...I'm convinced that a woman's place in the field of Erotica. I'm constantly amazed.

Very hot. Very thoughtful.
A combination which is so lacking in much of what you read [ie: Sex blogs].

Best Wishes.
Great choice, for #100!


Anonymous said...

Forbidden world of eden makes the world scream for more

but for the women with her favorite lipstick she bleeds for more.....but the man
of his heated lips keeps her sweating while
away how? Why?

same reality transference as a woman cums for more but in her comfort element while keep her posed thought inside her head.......

pink crayons going to ecstacy while
keeping the bed and garden clean.....

Anonymous said...

Those crayons doesn't mean virginus.....

A reverie....

a saum....

or another tabling crumb.....

keeps life in sleepy far less than hohum......yummy....