Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Justify My Love

Sugasm #162

"Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another"


And the same applies to the woman whose neediness makes her incomplete without the validation and approval of her man. For she is only happy in the moment when she hears the words and then for a millisecond afterwards, before reverting to the despairing state of uncertainty.

I thought about this a lot after that weekend. I arrived dessicated by the cares of my every day life. I had driven to him with a desperation borne of the need to become whole again. My world had ground me down to a hesitant, tearful shell. All I could think of was to have his arms around me so that they could make everything right. In his kitchen, his hallway, his lounge, his bed, I told him I loved him over and over again and each time it was never enough to totally encapsulate just what it is that I feel for him.

How then can I expect his 'I love you' to fulfil the need within me. Whether he says it voluntarily or in answer to my request to hear it. And yet, when I looked back over the two days, it was the little things he did that showed me the depth of his feeling for me. That and the way he held me so tightly. I started to believe that maybe we really could make this work.

It was, therefore, very interesting to come across Mendicatus's view of this from the man's side.

...I want (no, need) a woman with absolute confidence. I spend my life reassuring and cossetting and saying “yes I love you” and “yes I think you’re attractive”, but it’s just wasted breath. The irony is that the only thing that’s really unattractive about people is their continuing obsession with whether they’re attractive or not. I want somebody who knows, implicitly, that they are comfortable with themselves, and exudes that confidence in their clothes, their mannerisms, the way they carry themselves and with their sexual confidence. Somebody who takes instead of waiting for it to be offered. Somebody who doesn’t care if the destination is wrong, because the journey is the bit that matters.

When I emailed to question him about it further, he explained:

What women never understand is that a less attractive woman who thinks she's hot is far sexier than a hot woman who thinks she's ugly.

I'd never thought about it that way before. The wasted breath aspect. That no matter how many times he says it, a woman's psyche will never believe. Conditioned to feel unlovely, unloveable and unloved. Forever pleading to know the contrary. How tiresome must that be? How draining? And how horribly unappealling.

I think I shall take a leaf from Madonna's book and see his desire reflected in his eyes without requiring the verbal confirmation. Allow my passion to run amok and revel in his physical demonstration, rather than continually trying to validate myself through his spoken affirmation. Desist in my determination to reside in the half-light of confusion and explode in a blaze of glory.

So, now that Valentine's Day is past, as we re-read our love letter and munch on our chocolates, let's remember that insecurity sucks and, as women, we must accept that no partner should feel pressured to continually vocalise their love. If your lover finds you attractive, it should be obvious from their behaviour.

However, should those little things be missing, then you have a problem that goes way beyond the need to hear that he still fancies you.


BenefitScroungingScum said...

Fantastic post! I've just been reading a book by Naomi Wolf called 'Promiscuities' which if you've not already read I think you'd really enjoy, the title is a tad misleading, really it's about the development of female sexuality and why.
Hugs BG x

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ms. Cake for the words of wisdom. I would add that we girls who are 'here,' seeking something beyond what is home...compounds our insecurities even moreso. And really, words can just be empty shells, without all the little things that go with them. Love yourself first, others will be drawn to you.

Daren said...

Nicely put and very true. The same also goes for men, of course, something that I'm only just beginning to understand myself.


justme said...

I have always thought that confident people with an air of being at ease with themselves are the most attractive ones! Whatever they look like!

Krazy said...

I really needed to read this today. Thank you!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you got some very good advice, Mrs Cake. It's very odd that you should be uncertain of your attractiveness.

O said...

Excellent post. The ironic thing is that when you're insecure all the words in the world will never be enough, and that if someone supplies the words without the actions that can't be enough either.

nitebyrd said...

As Dazza said, the words apply to men as well as women. Nothing is worse than a wishy-washy man. I know it for a fact.

Joanna Cake said...

BG - I shall put it on my list.

SG - That last sentence is a very good thing to remember.

Dazza/Nitebyrd - Im not sure Ive ever come across a man who was insecure int he same way.

Justme - But it isnt always possible to tell. Some of us shy ones can brazen it out in a crowd and on first appraisal but once we get into a relationship...

Krazy - You're welcome. I don't seem to be able to get into your blog.

Mr Bananas - A lot of people seem to be surprised by my insecurities. But, as I said to Justme, it's only when it comes to those who are really important to me that they actually show.

O - And sometimes it's just making yourself believe that you are worthwhile. I have actually been receiving some counselling about my insecurities in this area. More to follow later.

Lady in red said...

A great post as always. I just wish I had read it a few days earlier. This is something I have been battling with.

I am still not comfortable with my skin but have grown to be more confident in myself personality wise and now I am beginning to see the rewards of being confident or at least seemingly confident.

I think though that I differ from you in that it is with those who are important to me that I am most confident with.

Jade said...

Ms. Cake,
I came over here via Sugasm-I am so glad I did! A wonderful post, and just what I needed to hear at this moment. Thank you.


Joanna Cake said...

LiR - That's the better way to be tho isnt it?

Jade - Thank you :)