Saturday, 16 February 2008

Silent Sex

When you have small children, you get used to holding back. To not voicing that last provocative argument which could shift the gear from hissing disagreement into fullscale war. You start doing grown-up things quietly and surreptitiously so the innocent won't notice. Perhaps the worst part is having silent sex. I think it was always part of my problem because, at times of deep emotion, I've often had the need to scream.

Meeting Ruf and being forced to let go of all the constraints that have held me back, both physically and mentally, has propelled me to a much nicer place emotionally. I no longer find it necessary to apportion blame. To make it someone's fault. It no longer sits right. It is better to own up and take responsibility or just mentally move along. There is nothing worse than to sit and fester because with that comes self-pity, followed by tears, culminating in suppression of rage. My biggest enemy.

Of course, a major side effect of this new-found confidence has been my ability to embrace noise in the bedroom. Those little parts of my brain that were always listening out for noises, signs that someone might overhear have been overridden by this deep-seated need to scale the mountain. But without a vocal accompaniment, this becomes so much harder. Requires so much more focus to overcome the boundaries that tie me into the real world and retain me there.

So this weekend was something of a trial. A big house with lots of people I didn't know, a first meeting with my lover's brother and... a rampant Ruf.

The last time Ruf took a woman to meet him, they stayed the night and their noisy roistering was applauded the following day by a comment from his brother admiring his stamina!

I had warned my stallion beforehand that things might be rather difficult. That, despite his 'couldn't give a toss if they hear' attitude, I was a little more conservative, a tad more sensitive to that sort of thing, especially in front of strangers. So we agreed - very reluctantly on his part it must be said - to silent sex.

I'm not sure he realised quite how silent my insecurities would need for us to be. For with every movement, my mind was acutely listening out for any noise - the creak of the bedsprings, the gentle slap of the headboard against the wall, the rustle of the bedclothes, the heaviness of our breathing. But I was still determined that the act itself would take place because it's just so hard to be in bed with that man and not!

And, as usual, it was my body that betrayed me.

It seemed as if, almost every time there was a possibility that I might actually come, as my mind clung on grimly to reality and my teeth clamped together to hold back any possibility of a sound forcing its way out from my mouth, there would be this other noise.

Deep in my nether regions, something was going hideously awry. Whether it was the fear and stress expressing itself through the rather obscure medium of messing up my body's natural lubricant or whether trying to be quiet did something to alter Ruf's technique and allowed the introduction of additional air, I'm still not sure.

But, yes, you guessed it. As soon as there was any possibility that I might get to have an orgasm, we were subjected to the cruel interjection of a very unladylike expostulation from my girlie parts.

Now, stop laughing! It's embarrassing enough when the house is completely silent and you know there are people in the next room and across the landing and in several rooms immediately below and the bedsprings have been rhythmically swaying for quite some time. But how much worse to have the whole triumphal process climax not with the joyful shrieks of a well-fucked banshee but the loud squelchy raspberry of a fanny fart! Closely followed by the pair of us trying to suppress our giggles.

I mean this blog is supposed to be about love, about romance, about wonderful sex which always ends with both of us coming at the same time as we whisper I love you!

I was mortified and every attempt at our normal passionate conjoining concluded in the same fashion. It didn't matter what position we tried... missionary, doggy, standing on my head... the end result was the same and I would push him off and try to hide my blushes under the bedclothes in dejection.

The ignominy, the shame! I'm Joanna Cake, I'm supposed to always have nice, meaningful sex with any messy, unplanned surprises being a welcome bonus.

I had to resort to giving poor Ruf a silent bj in my embarrassment at the failure of my bits to afford him his normal satisfaction.

I'm now going off to cover my face with a paperbag so no one can see how red I've gone.

But, of course, you know what I'm asking... I mean, what the fuck? What on earth is it that causes those excruciating moments?


Tom Allen said...


We're changing the name of your blog to "Having my cake and queefing it, too."

Lady in red said...


I used to suffer from those embarrassing fanny farts when I was seeing a particular guy about 22 years ago but thank heavens not since.
Although I can identify with silent sex. I find it very hard to be noisy during sex , plenty of moans but thats as loud as I can get and I get paranoid about the headboard slapping the wall and the springs creaking incase others can hear.


Anonymous said...

Oh dear. Not laughing. Not at all. Not really... ;)

Akrazael said...

Oh Cake! Well, squeals of laughter are almost as fun as the other squeals.
Love the new look, btw.

Tom Allen said...

Oh yeah - normally I read through Google Reader, so when I stopped by I almost fell out of my chair.

Nice makeover ;-)

Hey, what's W/H/L mean? Been trying all night to figure that one out.

julia said...

I saw your new layout on Isabella's blog and popped over. It looks great! And I'm just in time for hilarious true confessions. I guess the brother's house just wants some noise during sex and will stop at nothing until it gets some.

Ro said...

I suspect it's life's little way of reminding us not to take it quite so seriously!

I'm not exactly good at the whole silent sex thing either. I remember being utterly mortified when I took my first wife-to-be back to meet the parents. To my immense surprise they put us together in their bed for the stay overnight. Okay so we were living together at the time but that didn't mean my parents approved.

I ended up refusing the increasingly frantic offers of sex because I just couldn't bear to be heard by my parents. Sheesh, what an uptight so-and-so :)

I was, of course, much younger then! Now silent sex to keep the "innocents" unaware has taken on a whole different slant ... hmm ... I'm off to drift in fantasy for a while. Thanks!

having my cake said...

Tom, queefing is a new word on me but very onomatopaeic (sp?). It's the W/H/L Edge of Vanilla cos you went through a phase of always changing your header with an appropriate pic which made me smile.

LiR - Thank you. It's nice to know Im not alone. When Im at Ruf's flat, I am conscious of the lady who lives above him wandering around sometimes and what on earth she think is happening downstairs.

Isa - I can hear you sniggering. I think for realism some of your heroines should definitely be subjected to this :)

Akrazael - I suppose it's nice to add some new sounds to my repertoire.

Julia - Hiya. That's it. It was the house. Not me at all. *shifts blame with alacrity and ignores earlier part of post*

Ro - That was one of the reasons I posted. I guess if sex were off the scale all the time, we just wouldn't appreciate it so much.

Angela-la-la said...

You can't see me but I'm pointing and laughing :)

Bloody brilliant!

Vi said...


Sorry, but I've gotta laugh!


Walker said...


But its these special moments we remember and remind you of LOL

Anonymous said...

Somehow.. and I'm just guessing... I think my editor would remove a fanny fart from my MS....again, just guessing.. ;)

Tom Allen said...

It's the W/H/L Edge of Vanilla cos you went through a phase of always changing your header with an appropriate pic which made me smile.


Yeah, it's a play on words. It doesn't take much to keep me amused.

nitebyrd said...

Oh, Cake! I'm laughing with you but not at you. It's like Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor, isn't it?

Dazza said...

Wow, nice make-over for the Blog!!

Funny story too, reminds me of a time...


Anonymous said...

Hehehe. Look, you know it's the right person if instead of feeling all awkward the pair of you can laugh it off. Sex is funny, if you think about it. We make funny noises and funny's all wonderfully ridiculous. I think it's great to have a laugh.

Phil said...

LMAO! That's all.

Gypsy said...

I love a good fanny fart myself, it's like my coochie is joining in the fun of it all. It feels funny too but then I'm just weird.

I love the new look too. Did you do it yourself?

Douchegirl said...

Love the new look! And that was a hilarious post.

EmmaK said...

Funny that you are self-conscious about queefing. Happens to everyone now and again especially in doggie. Learn to laugh or ignore it.

Anonymous Boxer said...

when there is even a hint of a squeaky bed or head board banging with guests nearby.... I pick the floor. Everytime.

As for your body "back firing".....

OH! OH! OH! I never would have seen/heard that "coming".

Dee said...

Love it! Dont be embarassed woman....own your love machine... be proud (and realize that it happens to all of us at one time or another). Great blog!

Tess MacKall said...

What a wonderful take on all this. We've all been in that place! Too funny...and oh so natural. Blushing can be fun too.

And every time you think of it, you'll blush again. And it will become a sweet memory with all the giggles too.

Great post!

Effortlessly Average said...

Frankly I can't imagine anything MORE about loving and being comfortable with someone than having something like this happen and be able to giggle about it. It's those spontaneous things -and our partners acceptance of them- that show that they love you regardless of how often you queef during sex.

travesti said...

Love the new look! And that was a hilarious post

transseksuel said...

Love the new look!