Monday, 27 August 2007

The End of the Affair

I did see The Catalyst one final time.

His emails made him seem so undecided. Yes, he had made his decision but he still talked in a very flirtatious way, still asked me to send risque photos, still sent some of his own. It was very confusing. I didn't want to give up without a fight. To look back from the future and wish I had tried harder - it is one of my biggest failings, never knowing when to give up a lost cause.

One day, I was near his home town on another matter so I arranged to see him for a drink that evening. I was so full of excited anticipation when I picked him up from close to his house. He looked a little nervous but my heart was just so glad to see him. I reached over and kissed his pale cheek. Actually having him in my car was an amazing feeling. Being in the same small space, so close I could hear him breathe.

It was so weird when he reached into the glovebox in front of the passenger seat. So like my fantasy and yet not. I laughed nervously and told him he probably shouldn't look in there, which, of course, made him even more determined to discover its contents. The base of the toothbrush brought a smile to his face and he looked at me curiously but I wasn't going to offer the head... not yet. I wanted to see what the evening brought but I was glad he knew that it was there. He returned it to its hiding place and closed the cover.

I drove a few miles away under his direction to a local pub and we had a couple of drinks and a good chat. He was warm and friendly but then he said he had to get back. As we got into the car in the car park, I knew that this was probably my last chance. I wasn't going to go home a second time with regrets for not even having kissed him properly. The car was parked in quite a secluded spot so I slipped off my shoes and slid inelegantly across the central console and positioned myself on his lap facing him.

To start with, he looked alarmed and then almost resigned. I put my arms around his neck and buried my face in the soft skin. He smelt faintly of Issy Miyake and it just felt so good to actually be physically pressed against him, his hard chest digging into my soft one. I could feel his hands caressing the skin of my back under my tshirt and then we kissed. His lips were warm and soft, gently opening and closing against mine. My heart was singing so loud, I thought he must be able to hear.

Encouraged, I pulled away and lifted his tshirt just as I had imagined it in my Bristol fantasy. Kissing his nipple ring and savouring his muscles with my lips but in this reality he didn't melt into me. He wasn't fighting me off, but he wasn't welcoming me in either. I didn't know what to do, how to play it. I noticed him glance at the time showing on the front of his phone on the dashboard.

'I have to get back. She will be wondering'

I wanted to rip the phone away from him and throw it into the back seat. But, instead, I tried one last time and kissed him, harder this time, my hands roving all over his chest, his stomach, his thighs. I could feel him hardening beneath my bottom and inwardly I shouted at my victory.

Within seconds, it had become hollow. The moment was lost forever as he looked at his phone for a second time and I knew I could never win. Yes, he wanted me, but he wanted her more, wanted to try to make his future work. I smiled and kissed his cheek. He opened the door and picked me up bodily and lifted me out of the car, carrying me giggling, as I clung to him with my arms and legs, just enjoying that final moment of him before he placed me back into the driver's seat.

'I had forgotten how light you are,' he whispered as he kissed away the tear of resigned realisation that was rolling down my face.

He got back into the passenger side and held my hand for a few moments as I started the car. I knew I had failed and I accepted it. The radio burst into life... Angels by Robbie Williams. It was too much and, despite my best efforts, two more big fat tears forced their way past my closed eyelids and I switched it off in disgust.

I drove him back to the place where I had collected him. He talked of the future, that he had been sorely tempted but glad that he had been able to resist. It would not have been good for either of us. He checked the time on his phone again, kissed my cheek and I watched him walk away for the final time.

I didn't totally give up on him, we still flirted by email from time to time but I think I finally realised the futility of what I was trying to achieve. Bear once said that it was soul destroying for him watching me beat myself against the brick wall of The Catalyst's confusion and trying to pick up the pieces every time he disappointed me.

I guess, in the end, it just hurt too much.


Loving Annie said...

I'm so sorry to hear that, Cake. Been there/had it done to me, and it SUCKS.
My empathy to you --

Anonymous Boxer said...

There are good hurts and bad hurts... this was a bad one.

I'm glad this is your past.

Pixie said...

Endings are so, well... words don't describe them. The pain just overwhelms and all that follows, but i don't need to tell you that!

On the bright side if you hadn't ended would you have got it together with Ruf?

Lady in red said...

this is just so heartbreaking

Angela-la-la said...

You cow! I caught the headline on my rss feed and almost had a cardiac! Maybe a *past* tag would save my nerves next time, lovey? :)

In other news, I didn't make sunday due to a surprise visitor who isn't leaving till early tomorrow morning so once I've come down to earth I'll contact you about sharing a private with G this month

Must go now, I'm being kissed ;)

Luka said...

Ah, Cake, that was so well crafted I could feel every emotion. I think you handled it very well, personally. A few tears escaping is far more dignified than I could have mustered.

Isabella Snow said...

No one likes that kind of ending. :( Hugs, Cake.

George said...


Anonymous said...

Beautiful, honey. A dignified parting, and a step toward your future with Ruf.

bittersweet me said...

ooh. So sad, yet you were very controlled. Respect to you, my dear.

and then came Ruf ;)

n said...

Accepting you haven't won. That is so hard to do. Don't think i'll ever get over that feeling of not being quite good enough. x

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Rejection hurts, however much we know deep down it's actually for the best x But, if not for this you wouldn't have Ruf now, which clearly is for the best!

Gypsy said...

That was very sad and all too familiar to me. Everything happens for a reason though and losing Mr UD led to you meeting Ruf. See the cloud had a silver lining after all.