Thursday, 28 May 2009

HNT : Anorexia

Funny really.

You probably look at this picture and see the slender thighs, the rounded hip.

Me, all I focus on are the scraggy neck and the fat stomach.

I know, I know but to me it's a fat stomach. Rather than my core muscles contracting to hold my knees at that angle, prior to bringing them back to rest securely on the bed.

See, the psychological effects of this illness?

But, I'm getting there. Slowly, and with the tiniest of forward steps, but it is still progress in terms of body awareness.

I just wish I'd learned to do it sooner so that I could enjoy my body when it was at its peak, rather than during the gentle decline into middle age where the Menopausal mayhem causes my hormones to relax important contracting muscles and generally interfere with my skin's elasticity.

Perhaps, in some ways, that's better psychologically to deal with. I have no control over this. It doesn't matter how little I eat or how much exercise I do, my body's deterioration into old age will continue inexorably... and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it.

It's time I settled down and just began to enjoy the journey.

My counselling starts tomorrow.



Morning Glory said...

Oh hun *hugs* I don't know you and my heart is breaking for you. I truly know how you feel. There's nothing I or anyone else can say that will make you feel better. At least, I don't think there is. Know though that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you and love you. There are even total strangers out there (myself included) that have hearts breaking when people suffer through such things as Anorexia.

nitebyrd said...

On your new journey, yes!, it's time to relax and enjoy. Your decision to see a counsler is a good one.

Everyone here can tell you, you are beautiful but you must know it yourself.

southerngirl said...

Having read you for quite a while, I know this is a long time coming (counseling). I hope you will share some with your readers, I think many of us girls have body image issues of all different types. Best of luck with this first step.


marcellonyc said...

I am glad you are taking that step and I thiNk you are ABSOLUTELY SEXY!



Polar said...

Lovely Joanna,
You already know my Thoughts about YOU!
By admitting as you have, you have already WON! Now is to finish the race at a Leisurely pace, because you are the VICTOR!!
Hugs & Kisses!!!
Your Friend,

Champagne and Benzedrine said...

It does seem crazy - people say an awful lot of stupid things about anorexia (mostly men) but it's something very real and heartbreaking - as you can't appreciate how gorgeous you look in that photo and only focus on the perceived inadequacies of your body, not what everybody else sees (how beautiful it looks.)

Osbasso said...

I think you've made incredible strides over the past year and a half! If you ever need inspiration, just look at me--I kicked anorexia's ass!

Vixen said...

*hugs* I spent all of my high school years and early twenties struggling/battling with an ED. It's a daily battle still, I have a much better handle on it and am much more *aware* of myself. But it's still hard. And I still struggle.

Good luck in your journey.

Cate said...

You look beautiful but sometimes that is hard to see when there is so much going on inside the mind. Good luck.

Cate xxx

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's must be a real mental block, Mrs Cake. I hope you get over it.

Thursday's Child said...

Oh honey...I hope you find happiness and satisfaction with your body on your new journey.

I empathize deeply - I, too, never appreciated my body when I was healthier, but I've come to the realization that it's never too later, not for any of us.

hubmanshangout said...

Fat stomach? Not from my point of you! You look lovely.

Good luck on your journey! ((huggs))

and Happy HNT!

Kevin Lomax said...

I'd stick my fork in without any reservation*: you look fabulous!

*) and eat your cake too

Laurie said...

I think you are beautiful even tho I do not know you. I struggled with the very same thing for years and years and years, and always know there is support out there.

Congratulations on making your first step and good luck.

Happy HNT!


Heff said...

Does it make me a sick person if I became aroused ?!?

Riff Dog said...

Well, the first thing you can tell your counselor is that a certain Los Angeles dog happens to think you look perfect as you are right now. And a little extra tummy never hurt anybody.

Krazy said...

You look beautiful! Good luck with counseling and big hugs for enduring that painful illness.

mrwriteon said...

You might as well enjoy the journey because there's not much we can do about it. Anyway, older is better in so many ways.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Good luck, it's a long journey. Hugs.

Amorous Rocker said...

Fat stomach? You look fine. I know the way we see ourselves doesn't often match up with what everyone else sees.

I look in the mirror and see tons wrong. I'm slowly working on my issues as well. The hardest part was admitting I had issues, lol. Small steps and the want to be better do wonders but it's still a struggle.

Good luck on your journey! I hope you reach the happiness you're searching for and I hope you can see yourself for the beautiful woman you are one day.

Dana said...

Wow ...

I've written about my own struggles with an eating disorder (bulimia) on my blog. As you know, bulimia has many similarities with anorexia. Know that you are not alone in picking yourself apart. I take far too many HNT shots, many of which will never see the light of day, hoping that just maybe I can find one that doesn't repulse me. I usually end up picking the one that makes me the least physically ill. I share your struggles.

I will tell you that your click through is beautiful, but I know you will wonder why people can't seem to see the flaws that you see - I wonder the same thing!


pippirose said...

Best of luck with your counseling--a courageous thing to do.
Eating disorders are so misunderstood.

Southern Sage said...

your body is terrific!!!
Always stellar.

Get8More said...

My God you just look STUNNING!!!

I saddens me when any woman does not see her own beauty!

Clare said...

Good luck with the counselling. I hope you get a lot out of it and it helps you move forward to your new life.

Clare x

Loving Annie said...

Morning glory and Nitebyrd said it beautifully. I understand about the aging thing too... Hope counseling goes well - learning how to love ourselves, to accept and appreciate without criticism, is a very very worthwhile goal. ((hugs))

Regin said...

It's perfectly human to judge ourselves differently from the people around us. I know I can't do it: I trust my family and friends to set me straight when it's needed. As I'm sure you do.

I'm fascinated by the insight into your perception, though. I've had a few anorexic and bulimic friends, and I confess my not-very-helpful first impulse was, "Don't they see what they're doing to themselves?"

But of course, you know. No, they can't. You know that joke that ends, "Who are you going to trust, me or your lying eyes?" It's hard to know how to react when your eyes are, in fact, lying.

Heff: Does it make me a sick person if I became aroused ?!?

Seems to me it makes you normal. Or, I should say, at least as normal as I. :)

Dana: I will tell you that your click through is beautiful, but I know you will wonder why people can't seem to see the flaws that you see...

Oh, I see flaws. They just don't make her any less beautiful. That may sound like a paradox, but it's true.

Joanna Cake said...

It's strange to come back and read this nearly six months later, thanks to Regin's comment.

But it is true. I look and I still see what I perceive to be faults, but they dont distress me anywhere near as much as they did before because I am starting to see the overall picture.

I dont think that I will ever be fully recovered, but perhaps my controlling obsessions can be directed towards something less destructive.

I am healing slowly.