Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Letting Go

I found this over at Ordinary Girl.

I wondered if I'd seen it five years ago, would I have saved myself an awful lot of heartache?

Or do I need to have done what I've done in order to truly appreciate the veracity of the remark?

Sometimes, when I'm at the house, I do have regrets. I miss the warmth that I tried to build in that home. I miss the sense of family. Of being with my children on a daily basis.

I miss the intimacy of a proper marriage.

And then I realise.

That I can't remember the last time that I felt I had a proper marriage. That I'm longing for something that never really existed outside my own head, despite my best efforts.

It was always sabotaged.

And I blamed myself for the failure, for not working hard enough, for not persisting and fighting and putting across my point of view successfully. For not making him understand.

But the truth is that I could never have made it work because it always takes co-operation and when someone else has a different agenda, that is never going to be achieveable.

I tried to hang on when there was nothing to hold on to.

And, eventually, the inevitable happened.

I fell.


Walker said...

Marriage is about two people not one and it only works when both are working at it at the same time not just the one.
So I wouldn't say you failed if your husband didn't do his share.

Anonymous said...

Boy does this hit home baby.... that sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy grows more each day. Amazed at your strength and courage!

Allison said...

You wouldn't be who you are if you didn't have these experiences. And, you're a lot more interesting that some suburban "perfect" marriage wife person...

Don't forget to do something fun with Leeks for the Throwdown tomorrow!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well better late than never, Joanna. From what you've described of him, your ex seemed like a curiously unaffectionate fellow.

BlazngScarlet said...

As you said, it takes cooperation.
Both sides have to want it, and work at it.
As for staying too long, well .... you did what you felt was the right thing to do at the time.
Not a failure, just an end.

Joanna Cake said...

Walker - Thank you. It took me so long to understand this tho.

SG - It's the encouragement of people like you that has supported me through all of it x

Allison - LMAO, I dont think I could ever be described as that :) And, yes, Ruf's leek offering is scheduled for tomorrow. Dongle connection permitting, I will be over tomorrow to say Im Up! :)

MrB - As I hope I have put across, I dont believe that he is a bad man. Just an incredibly repressed one :(

Blaze - Thank you x It's been hard to come to terms with it all but giving myself space has made so much difference.

Anonymous said...

I've been there. Yet, moving on is very difficult. But, once it has been attained, it's better.

Jackie Adshead said...

You can't hang on if there is nothing there to hang on to - but it still hurts to let go of it and there is the sadness that that brings.........but you are starting to build up a new, exciting, different life, built on the knowledge of past experiences and in time will look back with a sense of poignant understanding. I think you're starting to do that already.