Sunday, 29 June 2008


And so, like the layers of an onion, the crux of the matter revealed itself to me.

Myself, so young and unworldly.

My first close childhood friend. J.

Bosom buddies, inseparable.

We cannot have been more than seven or eight.

And yet, this is what I remember.

I'm lying down, flat on my back.

I can see the ceiling. Wooden slats. Some kind of garden shed.

Smell the earth on the floor beneath my body.

I can't quite see her face clearly. My memory has blurred it.

But her hair is a soft brown, shoulder length and fuzzy.

It is not the first time we have been here.

She is holding a stick.

It is on me.

Rubbing across my lips, exploring the folds through my cotton knickers.

I am not complaining.

Did I do the same to her? I cannot recall.

There is no doubt that, lying in my bed at night at that very young age, I know I imagined myself restrained and explored.

And, after she moved away suddenly, did I punish myself and my cunt for the next four decades?

For certainly, in some convoluted expression of disgust, I denied the recognition of any pleasure in such activity.

Just what was it that I repressed...?


Mickey said...

There's a theory, that I've just made-up, that you go through your adult life trying to either atone for, or remedy, the errors and lost moments of your past.
Each event adds to the character, the mind, the body, the soul, and we would be different in a million tiny ways if one little thing had changed in our own personal history.

Perhaps this is one of those 'lost moments' that has formed a small part of who you are.

That's the thing; you are who you are. You can only move on, shark-like, towards the goal of finally realising it.

I have something akin to what you described in my fuzzy mind.

Anonymous said...

it must have been nice for you to let her carry on?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I remember playing very similar games at that kind of age, particularly pretending to be restrained, as slaves or whatever our childish minds had come up with.
I vividly remember the feelings of excitement that went along with it and have since wondered if such desires are innate or influenced by events.
BG x

Gorilla Bananas said...

Experiencing sexual pleasure with another girl of your age was probably the gentlest and best way of experiencing those feelings for the first time. No wonder you turned out so horny.

Trixie said...

I too had similar games with kids that age. Maybe it's just what we all do?

Isabella Snow said...

Why do you think it was the result of that?? I think most kids do something similar at some point!

Anonymous said...

The fact that it's a memory that took a long while to resurface means something... at the very least, the event meant something to you, in terms of your development. Thanks for writing this... so stark. Well done.

Mariposa said...

Wow...this made me look back to some moments of my!

having my cake said...

Mickey - Interesting theory. Im not sure about a shark tho. Im more of a dolphin...

Wayne - Im not sure what I felt about it.

BG - Yes I definitely played slaves with my sister but there was no mutual masturbation before you all start!

Mr Bananas - But the problem is that I didnt turn out horny for a very long time :)

Trixie/Isa - They do?

Marianne - I wish I could get the whole thing but there are still only flashbacks.

Mariposa - Thank you x

Kyra said...

I can speak from experience there is usually something lying underneath repressed memories.

It's how you cope with the fall out when you do remember them that matters. So more important than the other questions is, how does it make you feel now?