Tuesday, 17 June 2008

To be a woman

"I don't want to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve..."

"What I want is for you to write 'fuck me' on your chest and walk naked down the street and accept every positive glance and anybody that wants to fuck you, you should say 'sure, sure, no problem' and when they do, you have to say 'thank you very, very much' and make sure you have a smile on your face. That's what it feels like to be a woman."

Jenny 'The L Word'

So many faces looking down at me from above. Even after all these years I can still feel the pressure of their bodies as they sought to possess me, fought to penetrate me. Pounding against the tightest of entrances. The muscles of my cunt remaining resolutely closed to them. For there was no love here, no matter what I hoped to achieve. That, by allowing this, they would come to care for me.

Such trusting innocence, such naivete, such total folly!

They were mere boys. At the mercy of their own pubertal hormones. Led by their dicks to find anyone who would give them a hole into which to thrust it. Their searching fingers revolted me and yet still I permitted them. Did I believe that one of them would eventually have the skill to take me to the place the books wrote about? The glorious all-encompassing, shivering release they promised from a man's attentions. That somehow these callow youths could help me find an exit from this dark pit of self-loathing?

I see them now. The half-remembered profile of a neighbouring child in a derelict caravan. Wrecked fittings toppled everywhere and our congress upon an abandoned mattress. A patchy leering face against a darkened sky, the hard earth beneath my back and the prickle of the scrub under my half-exposed butt. A shadowy visage in a darkened room, the smell of beer and a soft couch to lie upon. The weight of a body in the stark sterility of a strange bathroom, stone cold sober, knowing I was wearing a tampon and too embarrassed to say.

They said they desired me. Their mouths, their bodies, their flaccid chipolata cocks growing to some semblance of erection as they tried to take me. I did not want them. It was love and acceptance and the protective shelter of a man's embrace that I craved. My body knew this and repelled all borders.

Around me, other teenage girls seemed to satisfy their needs via this well-trodden route.

I thought, by submitting, I could obtain nirvana.

I was so wrong.

All I found was emptiness and disgust.


Trixie said...

God I know that feeling so well.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

So beautifully written to describe such dark, disgusting feelings. I often wonder why so many of us feel that way, BG x

justme said...

I think my experience was a bit different because I never really did it with 'boys'. At the age of 14 I lost my virginity to a 20 year old........I don't recall that I everhad sex with a man younger than that! Not that that meant the experiences were good mind you.....it was exploitation of a different kind mostly.
And yes, I fooled myself every time that having sex would mean that he would care about me. Not so.
Food for thought......

Anonymous said...

On behalf of the teen-aged boy that I was decades ago, I apologize. I did not have a thought for the soul and spirit of the one allowing me entrance. I was completely incapable of such insight.

Helga Hansen said...

I managed to remain virginal until I was 18 - although there was many a lad who tried his best to have "the prize"!!

I eventually succumbed, to a man I don't even remember that well - only that he was older, and that once he had "that prize", that was the last I saw of him! Oh, it was wasn't even a memorable occasion! *Sigh*

Kyra (the lonely housewife) said...

Beautifully written and I can relate so much to it. It amazes me so much how undermining the act can be to getting what we really want.

Span King - I have to say I really appreciate the comment you added. Quite lovely for you to post it.

having my cake said...

Trixie/BG - I think we're all so incredibly insecure at that age.

Justme - I guess the older man at least knew what he was doing whereas the boys only had theory to go on.

Span King - Aw, thank you, but I dont blame the boys particularly. They were totally driven by their hormones.

Helga - That's the thing. There were quite a few who tried and yet not one of them managed to get in!

having my cake said...

K - I think that's it. The importance of the act itself overtakes what it's supposed to signify.

Nicey said...

Yeah it does make you think, not very nice but we all learn

Z said...

I hope we don't still sell the myth to little girls that they can fuck for love. I think your experience is/was all too common :(

Midnight said...

Some women still think the way to a man's heart is to open their legs when the desire takes him. I think not. The mind is where that battle is won. You have to get inside his mind and stay there.

having my cake said...

N - But what do we learn?

Z - I think perhaps I need to experience a fuck for the sake of the fuck. My sexual experience seems to have been limited to that type of boy and then three men with whom I was very much in love.

Middy - But how do you get inside his mind? By not sleeping with them? Or by doing it once and then moving on when the man has fallen for them?

Jackie Adshead said...

I've written half a dozen answers to this puzzle and deleted them! There's no short answer to it! But I think that male and female brains work differently and girls have sex for different reasons than boys do. The minute the boy has got his "prize" he's off. Whereas the girl thought she was giving the prize cos he would stay. Its a painful lesson we're supposed to learn though life and sometimes never do!

Isabella Snow said...

Ah... the places that you read about in the books. I never wouldve started writing them if the average man knew where the hell that place was.

One man... long ago... thats it!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Perhaps you were giving off the wrong signals, that you were a tasty piece of meat who was there for the taking. Even horny boys can't fall in love with a body.

Anonymous said...

"Around me, other teenage girls seemed to satisfy their needs via this well-trodden route."

Seemed is the key word, honey. They went through the same things.

Walker said...

Its a fact of life or nature, not that its much of an excuse for being an ass.
One thig i have sen lately over the last ten years is women being just as aggressive. If you read the post before the one thats up there now you could see what I mean