Monday, 10 March 2008

Period Pants

I was reading Gorilla Bananas post entitled Lingerie Larceny (sorry, I don't seem to be able to link direct to the post but it's about the second one down from the top) and it made me think about our choices of underwear.

After watching several series of Gok Wan's 'How to Look Good Naked', I am horrified at the rather unpleasant contents of some ladies' knicker drawers. I'd be embarrassed to hang most of them out on my washing line. In fact, Gok took exception to a lot of them and proceeded to destroy these insults to lingerie with shredders and scissors and the like.

But what horrified me the most was that when these women first went to meet Gok, a well-known celebrity and style guru who was going to give them a physical and emotional makeover in front of a television crew, they had not taken the trouble to don their best underwear.

Perhaps the ladies studied in the first series can be forgiven, but the subjects of the second series had absolutely no excuse since there was a definite format to the programmes.

So, when Gok took photos and enlarged them to hang from billboards so that spectators could admire these women's physiques and make positive comments, my cheeks burned in embarrassment for those poor women.

Not because they were overweight but for the fact that they had allowed themselves to be viewed by a man and a cameracrew wearing not only non-matching bras and pants but also ones which were old and faded and had long since lost their lycra.

Looking through my own underwear drawers - yes I have two - one contains lingerie 'for best' and the more risque examples, and another is for my day-to-day undies.

There are examples of lots of different styles of butt covering: Boypants or Brazilian pants in a lycra/cotton mix, in lace and also with satin ribboned bows. These have become my favourite. They show off the cheeks of my booty to perfection and are the right height not to peek out when I bend over in low-waisted jeans.

Thongs, lacily pretty as well as practically plain. In days gone by, I swore I would never wear such a garment. The idea of having my most delicate parts tormented by a cheese wire seemed like a very bad choice. However, having viewed my beautiful derriere with the less jaundiced eye of the new me and experienced the joy of the cool breeze against one's nether regions when wearing a skirt, I have to say that I have reconsidered that rather short-sighted and dogmatic approach.

At this point it is necessary to address the fashion for low-waisted jeans that reveal some scuzzy strip of cheap, old cotton, or even a diamante-encrusted T when the occupant of said jeans sits down or bends over slightly. This is a look which has quite passed me by. I find it deeply distressing. If you're going to show off your pants, then please make them attractively lacy or silky.

And, finally, the ubiquitous high leg brief - comfortable under training bottoms and leaving no fear of exposure in a clinch. These are in the day-to-day drawer, along with those that have seen better days and become big, soft, comfortable cotton period pants. Heaven forfend that I should leave the house wearing a pair of those!

When I first started seeing Ruf, I discovered that I couldn't always make the timing of my visit equate to the right time of the month and it was necessary to find something suitable to wear on those occasions - especially for the nights when you just can't always rely on the efficiency of your sanitary ware (no matter what the people with the wings imply in their rollerskating, mountain climbing, scuba diving adverts). I immediately purchased a little short, slinky, silk nightie and sorted through my older lingerie sets where the knickers were high leg briefs which could accommodate the more bulky night-time pads. If I couldn't wear revealing lingerie - or indeed nothing at all - I could at least wear a nice sexy matching combination, even if it was going to be covered up.

To my bemusement, it soon became apparent that Ruf was not disconcerted by my predicament. After an initial surprised exclamation of: 'Oh, big pants!', he didn't even seem to be bothered too much by sanitary towels. If they got in the way of his lustful urges, he would just remove the offending item, cast it aside and carry on regardless.

I must confess that his face at the resulting mess on the first occasion he did this was something of a picture. He looked down at his pink cock and the rapidly expanding red puddle on the bedsheets, muttered something about 'an axe murder' and left the room with some haste. I, needless to say, was mortified and considered vacating the premises forthwith. It took some effort on his part to calm me sufficiently to persuade me to stay.

After that initial shock, we decided to attempt a re-entry with the aid of a tampon and some judiciously placed bath towels. This seemed to stop the majority of the fallout and was quite a pleasant experience... until I discovered that the attached string had disappeared inside me well beyond my reach. It was left to Ruf to rootle around up there like a vet to ascertain that his thrusts had forced the tampon to fold back on itself and it needed to be coaxed out with dexterous fingers.

I have to say that, being in that condition certainly doesn't impinge on my ability to climax. Sometimes, I think that I am even hornier than usual. So, for the days when things are at their most fluid, we resort to other methods of satisfaction. After all, to quote some male sources: 'Isn't that why women have three holes?'


nitebyrd said...

Sometimes being a crone is a good thing. I don't have to worry about the pants, pads, tampons, etc. anymore. YAY! I also adore sexy underwear and keep mine separate from the everyday variety. I discovered that silky, sexy underthings make me feel beautiful and sexier!

It might be just me but I seem to think that American men are less inclined to do anything with a menstruating woman than European men.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You've certainly got the horny gene, Mrs Cake! There was a song in South Park sung by the Chef about sex with a menstruating woman. He didn't like it.

Ro said...

I like attractive lingerie as much as the next man but I'm also old enough to understand that, every month, something happens which can make slinky undies less practical.

I have to say that it's something that's never bothered me - though some of my partners have been a little shyer than me. Yes, the axe-murderer end-result (oh, I do like Ruf's choice of simile!) can be less than desirable - especially in hotels. There is, though, an easy way to deal with that as you said.

I guess, basically, I don't like to let a minor thing like that get in the way of a little mutual enjoyment!

Angela-la-la said...

A tampon? And Ruf? Are you a tardis, woman?

I'm always crazy horny at that time of the month too. Bing isn't bothered by it, which is lucky being that I came on the first time we slept together!

Walker said...

My ex would get so horny that time of the month she didnt care.
She just said we could wash the water bed now get to work LOL

As for the lingerie. my first ex didn;t care as long as it kept her tits up and he bottom warm, my second ex was a fashion designer which meant I didnt get a closet just a drawer in the kitchen next to the tea towels for my stuff.
She had it all for every occation and never wore the same thing two days in a row and as for that time of the month she used to say thats what the back door was for.

having my cake said...

Nitebyrd - Im not too far off crone and Im rather looking forward to that aspect of it.

GB - I love Chef. If I could hear him whisper my name in that gloriously deep husky voice, Id certainly lick his chocolate salty balls :)

Ro - For some reason, we women are brought up to believe that our menstrual cycle is somehow dirty. But I think the reaction of some men is partly to blame.

Ange - LMAO. Definitely not a tardis! It was a small tampon and he couldnt penetrate that far in. But he gave it a damn good try, hence the only option for the tampon was to cede some territory by doubling back on itself.

Walker - Exactly :) And laughing at the thought of you trying to get all your belongings into one drawer. Ruf fears that will be the case if I ever move into his little flat. He already complains that my sex toys have taken over his bedroom...

Vi said...

I reckon that show MAKES the women wear their worst underwear, after all they have to be looking at their worst to look their best!

I buy lots of my clothes from charity shops, but I always spend a fortune on quality underwear.

Z said...

The thought of that folded up tampon made me wince. I'm still wincing, and it's been days now.

I don't have period pants, and never have had, but I do have three underwear drawers. My best friend trained my out of the habit of keeping anything for "best" so it's all "best" (just in case I'm knocked over by a bus). I am a bit OCD about colour coordination, though, and have been known to have to change my underwear because I've changed my mind about what is going on top...

having my cake said...

Vi - I suspect you may be onto something there but there's no way Id wear my worst underwear knowing there was a camera in the vicinity! Id have to deliberately distress something fancy :)

Z - LMAO about the tampon but you're clearly a woman after my own heart in your OCDness regarding colour. I like my outerwear to co-ordinate with my underwear too :)