Saturday, 1 September 2007

F is for.... Friends

After the appearance of the pink line, I immediately called my local surgery. I had to explain the reason why 'this really does need an emergency appointment', but after that they were brilliant and I was seen within an hour.

My inordinate and unseemly haste to seek an immediate termination is because there is absolutely no way that this baby could ever be passed off as my Husband's. I don't think he believes in Immaculate Conceptions. And, even if he did, I could not have dealt with all the lying and subterfuge and fear that this course of action would have entailed, as well as a pregnancy at this stage in my life.

The gorgeous young male doctor (why is it always so when you have something embarrassing to discuss?) looked confused for a few moments when I told him I had a 'pink line in my box' but wised up pretty quickly. He asked the usual questions about the date of my last menstrual period which was the 30th of June but noted my assertion that I didn't believe I was actually that far gone. Obviously, he asked what I wanted to do and accepted that, having just got my freedom back from my teenagers, I really didn't want to go back to the world of nappies at my age. He asked about future contraception and we discussed the Pill and its problems for the more mature lady, IUDs and their failures. A friend of a friend fell pregnant whilst hers was in situ. She was told it would work its way out within the first couple of weeks. It didn't. She was told the baby would be born with it in its hand. It wasn't. But it became very apparent that the child had learning and movement difficulties. Six weeks after giving birth, she was back in hospital having the IUD surgically removed as it had worked its way through her womb and into her pelvic cavity - at what point, no one is really sure. You can understand my reluctance to put my faith in such a device.

Naturally I did not mention the fact that I was having a passionate affair with a younger man who was actually the father of this child, but clearly, the rhythm method isn't going to work safely for us any longer so this subject will have to be addressed. We will have to be a little less gung ho in our attitude to contraception in the future.

As I said to the doctor, I had never thought that, as the mother of a 16 year old, I would find myself looking the prospect of a termination in the face. Still, better me than her I guess. He gave me a piece of paper with a phone number on it and told me to call them and arrange an appointment. He would sort out the paperwork from there.

The house was full of children when I got home. It seemed almost impossible to find a quiet spot away from flapping ears but, eventually, I managed. After an initial problem with me not having the paperwork which required a call to the doctor and a second visit to collect the same, I was told about all the different options.

The problem is the dates. From the date of my last period, I am 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant and, whilst it is perfectly possible that I could have conceived during one of my July fuckfests, I just don't feel that pregnant. I suspect it was Finger Fucking Friday that did it. I commented in my post about the stickiness of my arousal in comparison to its usual appearance. Now that could mean that I was already pregnant of course. Or it could mean that I was actually ovulating. I remember the little voices of caution in my head at the time but I was so turned on, nothing would have stopped me from having that man come inside me.

We... or at least I must learn to listen to those little voices, people.

Anyway, there are two methods of termination. The first is by tablet. You go there and take a tablet containing one hormone which softens you up and then you have to go back 48 hours later to have a second tablet which causes your uterus to contract and expel its contents. It can be uncomfortable after the second tablet and you are not allowed to drive home. The problem is that you can only do it up to 9 weeks and they cannot fit me in at my local hospital until Wednesday - when I would be just over 9 weeks given my dates. Of course, I could take a chance as they will scan me and ascertain the actual facts and it could all be ok. However, if I am more than 9 weeks pregnant, the only other alternative at that location is for a surgical termination under general anaesthetic, which is not really feasible with my medical history.

The other option is to go to a proper Pregnancy Advice Centre about 30 miles away. There, they can scan me and then do the surgical termination without a local anaesthetic and I will be allowed to drive home afterwards. If they discover that I am less than 6 weeks, then I still have the tablet option but I have to go back to that location again 48 hours later for the second one and will not be allowed to drive home. I guess if this is the case then, if there is still time, they can rebook me in at my local hospital for both tablets as it will be a lot easier to get a taxi back from a local venue.

It was very disconcerting getting an email from them with directions and a list of what is going to happen and how. The bit that alarmed me most was the warning that there may be demonstrators outside the clinic. Jeez, that's going to be fun!

This is where my friend Angela-la comes in. After fortifying myself with the first of the many bags of crisps that I would consume that day, I called her to talk about the little pink line and the procedure that I had elected to have done.. It would seem that she lives not too far from said Centre and has insisted on coming to hold my hand and drive me home afterwards.

She said: 'That's what friends are for.'

Above and beyond the call of duty.

Thank you. I really will appreciate the company. I'll try not to cry too much x

And thank you too to everyone who has emailed and commented offering their support. It has been so much appreciated and so humbling to discover that there are so many people who care. I'm sorry I haven't replied individually to your comments on the blog but I think most of the answers are in the earlier part of this post.

I did reply to some of the emails and joked to some of you about this being a blogger's dream with material for the next week at least... and then I felt sick to my stomach - and I don't think it was just all these additional hormones.

I need more crisps. It's really rather amusing in that I always wanted a part of Ruf inside me. I just never dreamed it would be his hungry gene! However, I will deal with my accumulating muffin top when I'm no longer tiny... or pregnant.

Today I am going through a period of denial, looking up 'reasons for false positive pregnancy tests'. There is hope. After the buffeting I took at the weekend, I have been suffering with cystitis. There is just a faint possibility that there may have been blood in my urine when I did the test and this could have caused a false positive. Obviously, this does not explain the two missed periods, the nausea or the craving for potato products but when one is clutching at straws...

Later I will do a second test at a different time of day after imbibing vast quantities of water. I mean, I don't want to turn up at the clinic and have them tell me I'm not pregnant at all - how embarrassing would that be?


Actually... yes... please, I'd really like to check the box selecting the red cheeked option if it's ok with everyone else...


Mr. & Mrs SW said...

Think you will find you have many friends in blogland who are sending supportive thought across. the pond. Hope everything falls into place for you and you can soon be enjoying yourself.

Fat Controller said...

How wonderful that Angela-la has stepped up when you needed a friend. Just shows you that the blogosphere can't be discounted as just a virtual world full of imaginary friends, but is populated by real, caring, people.

n said...

I agree with fat controller. Take care of yourself cake xx

bittersweet me said...

i am so pleased Angela-la is there for you. best wishes x

Anonymous Boxer said...

Sending you big hugs Cake. These are difficult decisions you are making "alone", but you're not. Hugs to Angela-la, too.

john.g. said...

Good luck with whichever option you choose.

Anonymous said...

Eat more crisps, definitely.

Ange is brilliant.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Good luck with whichever option it turns out to be x

Gorilla Bananas said...

So that's why you want to eat crisps. I think corn chips are better for you. Best of luck, ma'am.

Lady in red said...

aww cake this cant be easy for you on any level. I know I cant be there to hold your hand as Angie will but I will be thinking of you all the same

EmmaK said...

That Angela is certainly a great girl! Thinking of you and hope you get through this with your sanity intact.

Curvaceous Dee said...

You're in my thoughts, hon. *hugs*

xx Dee

George said...

Far better to be embarrassed than to be pregnant. When you're well past the stage of wanting another child, I think the obvious solution would be to have your tubes tied?

Good luck Cake


Gypsy said...

You are in my thoughts Cake and what a legend Angela-la is. Good on ya girl, you have proved your metal in the best possible way and I'm sending you both big hugs. This may be none of my business, but does Ruf know what's going on? I think he seems like the kind of guy who would be very supportive. Good luck babe and I hope you don't have to deal with any flag waving, breast beating protesters. Thats the last thing you need.

His Ladye said...

You have my thoughts, my prayers, my hugs, and my soothing dream wishes for you. I hope that this situation resolves in the easiest, smoothest way possible. I am thinking about you

The Ladye

Angela-la-la said...

I'm not lovely! I only wanted to go so I could beat a path through the protesters with my karate skills but Cakey says we have to be subtle... :)

Cakey, my dearest mate, you cry as much as you want to with me. Whatever it takes to get you through, that's what we do, k? xx

Pixie said...

Thinking of you lots and holding a virtual hand.
Take care of yourself.